I made a timeline of my relationship with F.B. over the years. Our relationship hasn't been the typical one, but it's been an amazing experience & adventure so far and more to come in the future.

✯ 2003 ✯

September 2003: Crossed paths online at Lindsay Fan's Forum. (Lindsay Lohan.)

✯ 2004 ✯

January 2004: Began talking at Lindsay Fan's Forum.

February 14th 2004: First "Valentines" Together. F.B. sent me a picture of roses through a pm message.

March 18th, 2004: First emails exchanged outside the forum.

March, 2004: F.B. saw a photo of me for the very first time.

April 1st, 2004: The first time we ever said, "I love you.", and defined our relationship as a couple.

April 2004: Exchanged Addresses & Phone Numbers. We called each other & sent letters that month. The Lindsay Fan forum closed. We also broke up for about a week or so because of stress, family issues & distance…

June, 2004: I saw F.B.'s photo for the very first time.

✯ 2005 ✯

February 14th 2005: Our first "official" Valentines together as a couple.

April 1st, 2005: Our 1st Anniversary.

✯ 2006 ✯ 

January, 2006: We nearly broke up again. Long distance is so hard sometimes…

February 14th, 2006: Technically our 3rd Valentines Day together.

March 17th, 2006: I bought my 1st plane ticket for the Philippines.

April 1st, 2006: Our 2nd Anniversary.

December 13th, 2006: I left for the Philippines.

December 14th, 2006: The first time we met. The first time we looked in each other's eyes. The first time we hugged & held hands.

December 15th, 2006: The first time we kissed. Our first date out to the mall- we ate at 'Tokyo Tokyo' for Japanese food. Our first movie, 'Happy Feet'. First time we "made out" at the movies- (cuddling & holding hands.)

December 18th-21st, 2006: Our first couple vacation together in Makati City. Our first kiss in public outside on the bench in Greenbelt.

December 25th, 2006: The First Christmas we spent together. F.B. gave me the ring for Christmas that would become my engagement ring.

December 27-29th, 2006: We took another couple vacation to Tagaytay City, Philippines.

✯ 2007 ✯

January 1st, 2007: Our first New Years together.

January 3rd, 2007: I had to leave the Philippines to go home… that was the hardest thing I ever did… (I miss you baby).

January 10th, 2007: The day we got engaged!

April 1st, 2007: Our 3rd Anniversary.

March 2007: Bought my plane ticket for the Philippines!

✯ 2008 ✯

January 2nd, 2008: I left for the Philippines.

January 3rd, 2008: I arrive in the Philippines.

January 7th, 2008: We arrive in Makati City to spend a week. (A special date for us that we won't forget.)

January 10th, 2008: We share our 1 year engagement anniversary together in Makati City and get to go to Saisaki buffet.

January 11th, 2008: We see our first play together at Greenbelt in Makati City. 'Tuesday's with Morrie'

January 20th, 2008: We went to see a Philippine Basketball Game together at the Cuneta Astrodome. Our first sports game together.

January 24th, 2008: I return home from the Philippines.

March 10th, 2008: I buy another ticket to the Philippines. Staying 8 weeks this time!

April 1st, 2008: Our 4th Anniversary.

October 6th, 2008: I leave for the Philippines for an 8 week stay.

October 7th, 2008: I arrive in Philippines. F.B. gives me a red rose.

October 9th, 2008: I get to spend F.B.'s birthday with him and his family. Saisaki Buffet!

November 16th, 2008: For F.B.'s dad's birthday we take a family trip to Baguio for the day.

November 27th, 2008: I celebrate "Thanksgiving" in the Philippines with F.B.

December 4th, 2008: I arrive home from the Philippines

✯ 2009 ✯ 

January 10th, 2009: Our 2 year engagement.

April 1st, 2009: Our 5 year anniversary.

November 24, 2009: I leave for the Philippines

December 19, 2009: F.B. & I were married!

December 19th-21st 2009: Our Honeymoon!

December 25th, 2009: Our first Christmas as a married couple.

✯ 2010 ✯ 

January 1st, 2010: Our First New Years, married!

January 19th, 2010: Our 1st Monthiversary!

January 23rd, 2010: I leave the Philippines.

April 1st, 2010: Our 6 year anniversary!

✯ 2011 ✯ 

February 4th, 2011: F.B.'s visa interview at the US Embassy in Manila. His visa is approved to come to the USA!

March 6th, 2011: F.B. arrived in Philadelphia, PA!

April 1st, 2011: Seven Year Anniversary!

July 4th, 2011: F.B.'s 1st Independence Day in the USA

Aug 31st- Sept 1st, 2011: Our Philadelphia Getaway

September 4th, 2011: The 1st birthday F.B. spent with me.

October 9th, 2011: F.B.'s 1st birthday in the USA

October 30th, 2011: F.B.'s 1st Halloween in the USA

December 9th, 2011: F.B. & I get our own place.

December 19th, 2011: 2 Year anniversary!

December 25th, 2011: 1st Christmas in the USA.

✯ 2012 ✯  

January 1st, 2012: 1st New Years in the USA. 

February 14th, 2012: Our 1st Valentines Day together!  

March 6th, 2012: F.B.'s 1 year anniversary in the USA  

April 1st, 2012: 8 year anniversary!

October 9th, 2012: F.B.'s 2nd birthday in the USA.

November 2012: 1st Thanksgiving in our new place & starting immigration again.

December 19th, 2012: Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary

December 25th 2012: 2nd Christmas in our apartment.

✯ 2013 ✯  

January 2013: 2nd New Years Eve in our apartment.

March 6th, 2013: F.B.'s 2 year anniversary in the USA. 

April 1st 2013: It's been 9 years since F.B. & I started dating.

May 2013: Immigration is finished! 
October 9th, 2013: F.B.'s 3rd birthday in the USA.

December 19th, 2013: Our 4th Wedding Anniversary

✯ 2014 ✯  

January 2014: 3rd New Years Eve in our apartment.

March 6th, 2014: F.B.'s 3 year anniversary in the USA. 



(I'll try to keep this up to date by adding in new things from time to time.)

December 14th, 2006 I arrived in the Philippines for the first time. I was scared to death. It was the first time I had been out of the United States. It was the first time I'd ever traveled alone. My flight had taken me from Philadelphia to Chicago. Chicago to Hong Kong- Hong Kong to the Philippines. A 24 hour flight all together. I arrived in Manila a little after midnight on the 14th.

When I pulled my suitcase out to the waiting area. There was F.B. & his Mother waiting for me in the crowd of people. His Mom was holding a purple banner with my name on it. It was the first time F.B. & I were face to face. We gave each other a hug and my first words to him were, "You're not so short!" See what happens when your brain is sleep deprived!? He always cracks up when I remind him of the first words I spoke to him in person. (It really wasn't a big deal though. I'm 5'6" he's 5'3") He gave me white roses when I got to the car and waiting at his house was a stuffed monkey I named 'Mr. Unggoy'. (Monkey in Tagalog.)

Blog Flashback: Got to the Philippines on 12-14-06. After a lonnnng flight. About 25 hours in total. I was pretty nervous at all the airports... the Chicago airport was pretty small. But I was scared to death in Hong Kong... that airport is HUGE! I had to ask for directions. I had to take this funny shuttle thing to the check in area. And then they didn't put a gate number on my ticket & I had to go look on the board to find it, and at first it was in Chinese. But then it changed to English. Got to Manila airport around 11pm. And met my boyfriend & his mother at the airport.
3 years into the relationship and we had finally met. After all the roller coasters in our relationship we were finally together. The first night we were together we hugged alot. And we shared our first 3 kisses that night as well. We couldn't believe we were actually together after all this time. It was a little weird at first being together in person, after talking online, through letters & the phone for so long. But things fell into place. We got along so well in person, we were best friends. We felt so comfortable around each other. For our first date. F.B. took me to the mall near his house. We ate at 'Tokyo Tokyo' and I tried Sushi for the first time. Then we got to see our first movie together, 'Happy Feet'.

I stayed for 3 weeks in the Philippines. We got to spend Christmas and New Years together. (On Christmas I was given my ring- though we hadn't decided on getting engaged just then.) We stayed a few days alone in Makati City and a few days alone up in Tagaytay City seeing the Taal Volcano. We had such a good time. It was so hard to say goodbye. I left the Philippines, January 3rd, 2007. When I was standing in line to check in for my flight I got a text message from F.B. saying to look behind me. He was able to watch me through the windows of the airport and would walk along when I did, waving to me until I had to pass through customs... and board my plane...

Some pictures from my first trip to the Philippines:



















































Blog Flash Back: 12-16-2006

Got to the Philippines on 12-14-06. After a lonnnng flight. About 25 hours in total. I was pretty nervous at all the airports... the Chicago airport was pretty small. But I was scared to death in Hong Kong... that airport is HUGE! I had to ask for directions. I had to take this funny shuttle thing to the check in area. And then they didn't put a gate number on my ticket & I had to go look on the board to find it, and at first it was in Chinese. But then it changed to English. Got to Manila airport around 11pm. Went through customs, got my luggage & went outside. There were a tonnnn of people... I was so nervous. F's mom had made a purple banner with 'Sarah' on it, so I could find them, and I saw F. & Gave him a hug and said, "You're not so short!"

The next day F & I went to a mall near his house. It was 5 levels. And huge!!! Lot's of people. We stopped and walked around a supermarket in the mall. We also had Japanese for lunch & I tried sushi. Then F & I saw the movie 'Happy Feet'. Lol. But it was just okay.

Today we just hung out around his house. And tomorrow we are going to church. And Monday we are off to Makati City for 4 days. That's about it for now.

We talk about the future alot and what might happen. We talk about meeting for the first time. We talk about F.B. coming to stay with his relatives in Virginia after graduation. We talk about getting married someday. We talk about having kids and our own house. We don't really know what the future is going to bring for us. What we do know, is that we love eachother, and we will make things happen someday.

I agree with the whole marriage thing. It doesn't really have to be expensive or something. But I'm definitely not gonna get you one of those gumball rings. LoL! Silver rings would be nice though and it would be interesting to get married on April Fools day. hehe! And I'm cool with the Justice of the peace thing.....anyway, what's important is that you're gonna be married to the one you love. I love you, F.B.

I still haven't done the marriage vow thingie though. I mean, I've written it already, just didn't deliver the speech just yet. I think that'll be next week though. It's not really much but most of it is really my own words and I just added a few things off the internet. And of course, it was you who I had in my mind when I was writing it. So here it is baby, I'll just type it up for you here for you to see. I'll just underline the stuff I got from the internet. Here goes...

I love you...no better words describe what I feel for you. I thank the Lord for bringing you into my life. You are such a blessing. You are a gift from above...You are my friend, my love...my angel. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for all the love that you give to me. You are such an inspiration. You make me want to be a better person. And I love the way that you love me. I need your love...I need you. I thank that Lord for binding our lives together. I feel so blessed to have found you.

I promise to be there for you...When you're sad, I'll be there to put a smile on your face. When you cry, I'll be there to wipe your tears. When you're feeling down, I'll be there to comfort you. And when no one seems to understand, I'll be there to listen...I promise to care for you, honor you, and protect you. I lay down my life for you. I give you all that I have. I give you my friendship, my trust and my support...I give you all of my love. And as we enter this life together, I pledge my love and faith to you for as long as I live.

Well, that's about it baby. Whatcha think? I'll probably be delivering that speech on Monday or so...Anyway, I hope you get my letter soon baby. Maybe you'll get it during the weekend. That would be so nice. I miss you baby. I look forward to our date on Saturday. Btw, my mom, sis and I will be having some breakfast buffet on Father's day. Just wanted my girl to know. Have a nice weekend baby...I love you. *mwah* -F.B.

I'm glad you like my marriage vow thingie. I guess I did take that a bit personally. LoL! I did think about you a lot when I was writing that. And I pray that someday I'd get to do those things for you...I'll probably be delivering that speech tomorrow morning in my speech class. And don't worry baby, I won't wear any axe. LoL! I don't think the girls in school would want a dork like me though. That's why sometimes I wonder why you love me. hehe. I love you, F.B.
Hi girlfriend ko. I miss you. I finally got that marriage vow thingie done. It went ok, I guess. Like I said, it's just reading in front of the class anyway. When I was reading it though, I had this certain feeling that I couldn't explain. It was weird. haha. I guess it's cuz I really do have these feelings for you and that the vow thingie was kinda personal to me. hehe...I'm really glad you like it baby. *mwah* I love you, F.B.
We sometimes talk about being married and having a family. At one point we picked out names.

FB: kids, eh......I bet they'd be cute
SARAH: lol.... haha- can I have the soap now though, I think I may need it...
FB: Nevaeh
SARAH: Haha! Aw! You spelt it right. :-)
FB: I did.....woohoo
SARAH: You mean Emily Nevaeh
SARAH: What about Christopher James Matthew? Good lord... this kid will have a name as long as yours if I keep adding on...
SARAH: you know why I picked Christopher right?
FB: because of me
SARAH: yes because of your name. :-)
FB: We could call him CJ. LoL!
SARAH: Hee hee, that's cute.
FB: HOLY CRAP! I said "we" Haha!
SARAH: Yeah you did... isn't that funny. It's funny- but feels right. When I think about things, I always think in terms of 'us' lol. I can't help it...I love you
FB: I love you too
I was just saying- it would be nice to have another middle name- before of after Nevaeh- but then when you came up with that initial idea the other day- but I couldn't find anything I really liked. And then you said something about Z- did it stand for Zoe- (in the initial ideas I had) and I said- no. And said something about your mom's name, and then you said Zen- and at first I thought you meant for initials- Z.E.N. but then I really liked that. Because that would be her initials- but also the first three letters of her first name... we could call her a bunch of things. Zen, Z, Emily, Emmy, Em... etc. I really do like it alot... :-)

Christopher James Matthew (CJ)
Zenaida Emily Nevaeh (Zen)

Whatcha think? This is so funny, I can't believe we are picking out names.... LOL. I love you, Sarah

CJ and Zen.....very nice names you've picked out there, Ms. Clydesdale. I love 'em. I love. *mwah* I love you, -F.B.

You don't like Zenaida Emily Nevaeh? I think it sounds pretty actually, I mean for a little girl- it's a big long name- but you know we could call her Z.E.N. haha, or Emily, or Emmy. Zen & CJ.... I dunno.... I'm kinda liking this.... the things you make me think... -Sarah

I like Zenaida Emily Nevaeh, it's just that I thought you wanted the name to be before or after Nevaeh.....Zen does sound nice though. I like it. -F.B.

I'll be teaching you and the kids tagalog stuff. Hehe! That oughtta be fun. Mahal kita. *mwah* Then we could teach' em to spell, being "duh spelchekerr" and all......Zen, spell Pennsylvania. Haha! Ya know, sometimes I still have to look at that thing's spelling when I send you letters. The double n kinda confuzzles me. LoL!

I think I've mentioned to Mom about the names before....I don't remember exactly. But I do remember asking her if she already had names picked out when she was still single. And she said no- she didn't start until she and Dad got together. Anyway, if we got married- I think you should call her Mom or whatever Mom type name you wanna call her. LoL! -F.B.
We've been talking about what will happen after his graduation. Recently, I decided I was going to start saving up, to be with him on his graduation.

I'm not really sure of what I'll be doing after I graduate. But it would be nice to get something computer related. Something that maybe I could use the stuff I studied in Computer Science. I think that would be really cool. Ya know, call centers are pretty popular around here nowadays. It's pretty much about marketing and stuff. But I don't think I could be the phone guy. LoL! I'm sorry about before. I did feel that I upset you with that reply. And though you said I didn't, I still feel I did...somehow. I can be a stupid dork sometimes and I'm really sorry. Anyway, I think it would be nice if I could visit there before I graduate. Maybe visit some relatives and visit you too. That would be nice. It's true though that I'd be nervous cuz I wanna be perfect for you but I'm just me...the quiet silly dork. LoL! I love you, F.B.

That graduation idea does seem so nice baby. That would be so special to have you to share it with on that special day. And if you were around here, I bet you could just stay at our house. That would be nice. And I'll be a good boy...promise. LoL! I hope everything works out with my classes and stuff. I do wanna graduate soon. Ya know, my sister will be graduating soon. I don't know exactly when but I think she'll be graduating from college before I do. That's nice and all and I'm happy for her...She's a smart girl. But that makes me feel bad somehow too. Cuz it just makes me realize that I coulda finished my studies already if I just took things seriously before and didn't cut classes and stuff. *sigh* I was a bad boy baby...Do you still love me? I love you, F.B.
Ahhhhh! I'm so excited to come see you for your graduation, hee hee. It's all I can think about. I love our couple vacation idea. And I think we should go to Tagaytay! We can sightsee and spend time together, alone as a couple. Since I know your mommy is gonna make you sleep in her room, so I can have your room, while I'm staying. hee hee. Oh baby! That'll be just so nice though! Spending time together alone. You can drive me around, and we can take pictures of all the pretty palm trees and stuff. And we can spend lots of alone time in our room, hee hee. *mwah* Sooooo looking forward to spending some time with my boyfriend, and getting to kiss him, and be close to him. I love you, Sarah

That vacation thing does sound nice baby and I do think about that lotsa times too. There's definitely lotsa places to stay at Tagaytay. My mom mentioned something about Boracay since we do have relatives around there...my aunt and uncle who used to live in Modesto. She also said that if Dad wasn't around when you come here, you could sleep with her in their room. haha. But I just said I'd give you my room instead. I love you, F.B.

You'd give up your room for me, awww. You're sucha sweetie. I love you so much. I wish I hadn't been stubborn about wanting to come see you... and just wanting you to come see me... I could have been saving long before this. *sigh* Oh well. It'll all work out. I love you, I wanna be with you, Sarah
Well... I have to tell you the unusual thing that happened today. When I got to work, Virginia was acting all mysterious and telling me to look in my desk drawer. And I didn't end up doing it until 9 o' clock break. So I find a card envelope in there, and I open it up, and there's all this cash in there, and this little letter from her. And it said something like this is for your trip, to help you out more towards your goal and to use for your flight expenses. She wanted me to either put it in a CD at the bank to get some interest, or in my savings. So she was out on her break and I didn't even look to see how much she'd given me, I went to talk to Ike about it... because I'm not really comfortable taking money from people, even if it's a gift. Unless it's family, or super close friends. So I wrote her a note back, saying that it was thoughtful and everything, but I couldn't really accept something like that. And that I have 16-8 months to save up the money for the trip, and I'll be able to do it, it will just take some time. And I left the envelope and note on her desk. So she read it, and started getting kinda offended about it (that's Virginia!) and she was like, "Well if you don't take it, I'll just get your social security number off your time sheet, and go to the bank and put it away for you myself!" LOL! I'm like, I can save the money for the trip, it'll take awhile, but I can do it. And she's like, "But this would get you a little closer, and give you some more security."

Then she started talking about her husband. (Her husband died when he was in his 30's from a heart attack. And her 3 boys are real jerks towards her, they don't live with her anymore and are really mean to her, maybe they blame her for their dad dying, I don't really know. They are just troublemakers, in and out of jail, and never even get their mother birthday presents or anything.) So, she was saying, she remembers being how it was when she met her husband and she says there was fireworks when they kissed for the first time and how they really loved eachother and how they were meant for eachother, and how when he died she lost a part of herself along with him. And she said, she just wants to give someone else a chance to have some happiness, like she had when she was with her husband, and a chance to meet that someone special... which made me wanna cry, haha. And she's like, "Will you just think about taking, it please, it'll make me happy. And all I want is for your to send me a postcard when you get there, or take a picture of the two of you." LOL! I still feel sorta uncomfortable, but I took it, and she was really happy all day, lol. I put it in my savings account.

But... she gave me alot of money F! She gave me $250.00... that's alot alot of money. I can't believe that. I think I'll buy her a pair of new headphones tomorrow, because her old ones were acting up today,lol. I mean what else can I do? I already wrote her a little thank you note at work, and wrote 'Salamat' that's thank you in my boyfriends language, and I'll send you a postcard and picture. And she was really insulted when I tried to give it back to her, she's kinda stubborn, lol. I dunno baby that was awful thoughtful. What did I do to deserve that? I love you, and I want to be with you baby, I do, I do, I do. I wouldn't ever wanna settle for someone less. I want you, I need you, and I love you. And you know I understand you, and you understand me, and there's no one that could understand us like we understand eachother. And you love me, and I love you. I don't want anyone else, but you. I love you, Sarah

That's really nice what Virginia did. She gave you $250. Wow! That's a lot baby. It's good that you took it though, cuz she probably would've felt bad if you didn't. haha. I know I'd feel bad if I gave someone a gift and they wouldn't take it. So that's good baby. That's really nice of her though. Tell her I said "Salamat" too. You mean so much to me. You're my best friend, my girlfriend, my angel. You're always in my prayers. Take care and God bless. I miss you. I love you Sarah. *mwah* F.B.
I was thinking... it's not up to fate, it's up to us. It's our decision with where we want to take things with us, and if we say, "I want to be with you." Then we can make it happen, no doubt about it. And we will make it happen. I love you, Sarah

I agree- a time will come that it's just gonna happen. We're gonna make it happen. You'll be there for me and I'll be there for you. I love you, Sarah, F.B.

We've been through alot these past few years we've been together. And even we though we are so far apart we still have issues arise in our relationship. Things aren't always perfect. Sometimes we get upset with eachother, sometimes we argue. And F.B. refers to me as "His Drama queen". There have been some defining moments in our relationships. Arguments and discussions that have only brought us closer to eachother.

Hey baby, Ack... I always feel like I'm bringing up something that we need to discuss... like the talking thing or the religion thing. I always feel like I'm being so serious, and maybe a little too thoughtful about things at times... sigh, sigh, sigh. See, I wanted to talk about this earlier, but this bothers me way too much to talk about and it has bothered me for a long time now but it's such a weird thing to bring up. And then I start to feel like I'm being one of those jealous girls or something, and that's not how it is, I just need to know some stuff, I guess.

When we were looking at old posts today and me looking at all your old posts- and then I thought someone else had asked you something- but it turned out to be Sarah#1- and I said, "Never mind"- and you asked me, "Does that bother you?" And I said something about "I don't know how to answer that, I don't want to talk about it, never mind." Yeah.... it does bother me, cuz when I look at all those posts- they were around end of November, into December- and just a month later there we were starting off our relationship- right after you had been saying 'Oh you make me smile, oh I missed you.' to someone else....not to mention- with the same name! I guess, I'm just wondering, if you guys were ever close, like us? I guess I just need to know these things, because maybe that would help me to better understand why she was so angry at me right before she left for good- and why she said some of the things she said to me. Yeah so... I dunno... I feel really really weird bringing this up- but it's something that's been on my mind for the past 6 months of our relationship. I love you, Sarah

Sarah#1 and I were never that close. All we had was a forum thing. We flirted around and that was that. We had fun at the boards, though she wasn't around most of the time. I knew she was 18, she lived somewhere in Texas and that she's an Avril fan, that's about it. I e-mailed her a couple of times- Christmas and stuff. But we never really shared stuff about our lives. We never said "I love you" to each other. I guess sometimes, she makes it sound like we were "together" but truly we weren't. It's just that I enjoyed her company around the boards(whenever she was around). I'm quite surprised she got angry at you like that. It's partially my fault, I guess.....sorry. Ya know, I have no problem if you wanna talk about this. If there's anything more you'd like to discuss, feel free to do so. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I love you baby. F.B.

Hi baby. I miss you. I'm sorry I upset you. I just didn't know what to say yesterday with the ym texts, and then when you called, I was just all quiet. It's just sometimes I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry baby. I wish I could just say all the things you'd want to hear and tell you that we'd be visiting sometime soon, but that's really not a sure thing and I was just trying to be honest. Though the possibility is still there, it just doesn't seem like it. It would be nice though to just visit first and get to know each other. I would like that too baby. But I'm just not sure when that would be. I pray that we'll be together soon.

My parents are like "You should finish your studies, so you could go to the states to see Sarah soon.", or so we could just visit as a family and see some of our relatives...They and some relatives in the US actually told me that before even before I knew you. I guess it's a sorta motivation thing to get my studies done soon. Cuz I've been in college for quite some time now. It's kinda embarrassing to think about sometimes. It was stupid of me wasting all that time and wasting my parents' money. I was a bad boy. I guess that's why I just wanna finish my studies soon and kinda redeem myself. I know I've given my parents some headaches before and they'd really be happy when I do graduate soon.

I worry about the height thing too baby. I'm just the little guy and I'm worried that might turn you off. But ya know, I don't really mind that you're taller than me, what really bothers me is that I'm shorter than you. It's not that I'm insecure about my height, it's just that I worry you wouldn't want me because of it. Cuz I know most girls want guys who are taller than them. And I'm just not. I'm just the little guy. I'm just me...And I know it's scary thinking about things sometimes and it's kinda tough answering all those questions cuz we really don't know what's gonna happen. So I understand baby. I feel the same things too. I love you, F.B.

About Ami (that's the girl's name)... well, it's not that she calls or texts me. She just rang my phone once when we were reviewing for exams in the library. Well, I was reviewing then she just came along. I never gave her my number but I guess she could've gotten it from Ken or something. She was my classmate in NSTP last semester, and I did tell you about her before when she handed me this piece of paper with some number in it. I think it was her cellphone number. I dunno. I threw the paper away. And some other time, she was asking stuff about me having a girlfriend and I said "Yes, she's 22". So she knows I have a girlfriend baby. Anyway, awhile ago in school, she sat next to me in one of my classes. She's pretty young...16 or 17, I think. And she's kinda "madaldal". That's talkative in tagalog. And she was asking my birthday and stuff. She even stole a side view pic of me with her cellphone. She's just being friendly, I guess. I don't think she likes me like that. And she did say that she has a boyfriend. I'm sorry if I upset you baby, but I just want you to know stuff. And don't worry baby...I don't want her...It's you I want, it's you that I love. You're my one and only. And you know that I'm all yours baby. I love you so much and I don't want anyone else but you. I love you, -F.B.

I really don't think she likes me like that but I guess there's a possibility. But if she does, I don't get it. How could she like me like that? Sure, we came into the school at the same time and we've been classmates here and there but we barely talk or anything...She can be weird sometimes too. Awhile ago, I was just hanging out at the arcade during lunch break and she was around there with some classmates and saw me. She went up to me and slapped my arm and pinched me kinda playfully but it still hurt. Why'd she do that?...Btw, she's not that girl who asked me to her party. You still remember that eh. LoL! That girl invited the whole class and some other classmates anyway...not just me. haha. Anyway, I guess I could understand about the jealous thing cuz I know I wouldn't want some other guy talking to you or something. I'm your jealous boy, so I understand baby...I just want you to know that I don't want her...it's you that I want. I know you said you don't care about that, but I'll just say it again anyway. And you know that I'm all yours baby...I'm sorry if that got you jealous, but I just want you to know stuff. I don't want you to worry about things. You're my one and only...I love you girlfriend ko. *mwah* -F.B.

About this girl... I am going from girl experience here... and the crushes I have had in the past.... and I think she might like you... Any girl that calls a guy several times, and wants to know why he never texts her. And actually just what you said about how she got upset when you didn't hear her saying hi to you. Okay... if I had a crush on you (actually I love you.. hee hee... but let's pretend.) and I said hi to you... and you didn't hear me or acknowledge me. I would be upset... and I might get angry about it. *Sigh* I love you, Sarah

I'm sorry about the girl thing. But I just felt like sharing stuff to you cuz you're my girlfriend. It wasn't my intention to get you upset or make you jealous...I'm sorry baby. That girl does freak me out sometimes, like that time she got mad for me not hearing her say hi. She really did seem serious about it...weird. Anyway, I'll try to stay away from her baby. I'm all yours. I was thinking about the girl thing...so should I not tell you about those kinda things baby, cuz I don't wanna get you upset or anything like that. I don't intend to get close to any girls either baby. I just feel like sharing things sometimes though. But if you're uncomfortable with it, I'd understand. Cuz it's like you said how I'd be jealous too if you told me stuff. So I understand baby. I love you. *mwah* -F.B.

I'm sorry baby. You probably don't even wanna hear from me right now, but I'm just gonna be sending this email anyway...I'm sorry about awhile ago. I just felt like sharing those things with you cuz you're my girlfriend. I do respect you, that's why I don't hide those kinda things from you. That's why I even asked you if it was ok to do so before telling you. I just wanted to be honest about stuff. And I wish you'd trust me. It hurts for me to hear that you have doubts about that, cuz trust has been a big part of our relationship. I don't want that to get ruined just cuz of some classmate of mine...I know that it worries you sometimes, but I don't want her baby. I don't care about her. It's you that I want. And whenever I do stuff like when I say "I'm not good at that" or something...in my mind, I'm saying "I won't do that cuz I have a girlfriend and I love her"...I guess I'm just not good with words...I know I got you upset, so I'd understand if you wouldn't wanna talk to me. But I'm really sorry. I hope you feel better soon. I'm thinking about you...I miss you. I love you. F.B.

You're right... I don't want to hear from you right now. I'm glad that you're honest with me. I'm always honest with you too. And I want you to tell me stuff. But just because you tell me stuff, doesn't mean I'm not going to have feelings about it or opinions. Or that I'm not going to get upset. I can't promise that. You still don't get it though... I know you don't have feelings for her. I know you don't care about her. I know you love me. But- you don't know what her intentions are. And this new stuff you're telling me- just add’s to my theory.

So she knows you have a girlfriend. So what. That doesn't mean anything. You obviously know her intentions aren't just to be your "friend". She's obviously flirting with you. She's obviously trying to get your attention. So what if she's your classmate. You can't keep playing these things off. If she sits next to you and you're uncomfortable, you move across from her and say something about it, like, "I don't think it's a good idea to sit together like that." If she's saying stuff like smell me... or massage my hands- then duh! Don't play it off, by joking around with her. She's just going to think you're flirting back. You say, something like, "I don't think that would be appropriate." You don't joke back with her! You have to make some boundaries and stick with them.

Or you can say to yourself, "If Sarah was to walk into the room right now, would she be all right with this?" I think that would tell you right off whether you're respecting me or not. It doesn't matter if you don't like her back. But you don't let her sit there and continue to flirt with you. You don't ignore it. You don't joke about it. You say something, that lets her know that it's not okay with you. You don't have to be mean. It can be as simple as, "I don't think that's appropriate." Or, "I don't think that's a good idea.". Letting her sit next to you and letting her say things to you that aren't appropriate for school- is... not right... you're not respecting me when you continue to let her do those things. Whether you ignore it or not. If I had to go to work every day. And there was a younger guy in my unit- and he came by every day and tried to sit next to me at the computer or asked me to smell him. Or tried to touch my hands, or just acted funny around me like he was interested in me, I would let him know that's not okay with me. I would say something to him, whether it hurt his feelings or not. Because I wouldn't wanna lead him on. You're my boyfriend. And it would not be okay if he sat next to me, or tried to touch me, or said things that aren't work related, and weren't appropriate for work. And if he didn't stop. I'd tell my manager.

In your email you said, when she asked you to massage her hands you said, "I'm not good at that." Meaning- it wasn't okay- because I'm your girlfriend. SHE CAN'T READ YOUR MIND, OR READ BETWEEN THE LINES baby... you have to say that. You have to stop and say something like, "I don't think that's a good idea. That's not appropriate for school."

I am worried. If you continue to let her do these things.... what if one day she decides... she's still having trouble getting your attention- so she tries to kiss you. And you don't expect it. And then you're like, "What the hell!?" Then... you've lost our first kiss. Or if she just tries something simple- like going to hold your hand. Or touches your knee, or shoulder. Any of that... is not appropriate. You're my boyfriend... I'm the one supposed to be sharing those things with you. I am upset. I'm upset... because you're just taking that stuff from her, and not saying anything that's going to make her stop. You're just acting like all the others guys in this world. You're supposed to want to stand up for me, and respect me, and take care of me and my heart. You're supposed to be my boyfriend, you're supposed to me my man. The one that's there for me, and will do anything to stop me from getting hurt. I need you....

This is just a big problem right now.... and I'm not happy with it, and you're not listening to me... and I know how girls are. I'm a girl, duh. Jimmy had a girlfriend... you think that stopped me one bit from kissing his cheek that one time years ago? I don't think so... girls aren't afraid of that. All's fair in love and war... which is why you have to be careful and let her know it's not okay with you. And not put yourself in situations, where someone might see you & her sitting together and interpret it wrong. That's how rumors start. And if there's rumors and tsismoso's, or tsismosa's... you know it's gonna get back to me somehow. You can reply to this, but I don't feel like talking... so don't expect any text messages tomorrow. I wish you'd trust me about this. Because you're right... you don't want it to ruin our relationship. I love you... Sarah

I think you're making such a big deal outta this. I kinda feel like you think I'm cheating on you or that I would do so. I feel like I have to defend myself. I know I've hurt your feelings and I'm really sorry, but what about my feelings?...It just hurts hearing from you stuff like you don't know about trusting me or that I disrespect you. And when I read the entries in your xanga...it just sounds like I'm being a bad boyfriend. I dunno, it hurts...I wish you'd trust me. I wish you'd trust me to handle this in my own way. But there's really nothing there. I don't even know her that much. And we don't talk often either. We barely know each other. She's just my classmate...that's all. I know she can get flirty at times, but that's probably just the way she is. I don't flirt back, I don't joke around when I say "I'm not good at that", cuz I seriously don't wanna do it cuz I have a girlfriend. I don't intend to get close to her or any other girl except you...I don't want something like this to ruin our relationship. *sigh* I don't feel so good. I hate myself whenever I get you upset...I'm so sorry. I know this e-mail's kinda short...I'm just a little emotional right now and it's kinda tough finding the words to say. But we'll get to talk more about things in the coming days. I miss you. I love you Sarah. -F.B.

I love you too baby. And I know that everything's not perfect all the time. But it's nice that we talk about things and work things through somehow. And I do agree that it makes our relationship stronger. Cuz we get to know each other better and it gives us more understanding for each other. And I do feel we've been much closer. I feel that each and everyday. And the longer I'm with you, the more I realize how much I love you. I wanna be there for you...I love you Sarah. I do. -F.B.


neo_squared (4:00:21 PM): tell me baby, would you be jealous if I sent a text message to a girl classmate. It's her birthday
neo_squared (4:00:28 PM): *mwah*
christianchickslc (4:00:33 PM): yes...
neo_squared (4:00:50 PM): I won't text her then
christianchickslc (4:00:58 PM): not that girl, the one I don't like mentioned, is it?
neo_squared (4:01:24 PM): it is
christianchickslc (4:01:36 PM): why would you do that then?
neo_squared (4:01:57 PM): just a classmate thing
neo_squared (4:03:07 PM): don't worry baby....it's just that everybody knows it's her birthday cuz she keeps reminding everyone
neo_squared (4:03:56 PM): but I won't text her if it upsets you
neo_squared (4:05:04 PM): baby?

I don't care if you wish that girl a happy birthday in school. But sending her a text message seems so personal. You know I don't like to talk about that girl, I don't know why you would even bring her up, you know it upsets me. You know I have feelings and thoughts about that, that you don't like to hear... I told you not to mention her to me, unless I asked. Otherwise, this is what happens... it causes problems. Because it's an issue, that we don't agree on. So I would rather agree to disagree then argue about it...

I can't believe you threw in my face that, "Well, wouldn't I wish my guy friends a happy birthday?" My guy friends don't HANG ALL OVER ME or touch me, or do any of that stuff you've told me she's done. Otherwise I would know better than to send them a personal text message, that might give them the impression that I was interested in them. I might not think that, but they might think it. And anyway, no. I didn't even wish Jimmy or Brian a happy birthday because they don't care. They don't even remember when my birthday is, so why should I remember theirs? They don't act like my friend, so why should I act like theirs? They are not my friends. The only guy that wished me a happy birthday this year was my boyfriend... the boy that loves me... and cares about me.

I don't care what you do. Because I don't run your life, you do. So you will do what you want. I won't tell you what to do either, because that it none of my business as well, and you won't listen to me anyway. All I can do is give you my thoughts, and tell you how I feel, and that's how I feel. It upsets me. I can't help it, I want to be the only girl in the world that gets your attention. I guess I'm selfish too... I love you... Sarah

I'm sorry baby. It was stupid of me to ask a question like that. I shoulda known that it woulda made you jealous. And you're right, you did tell me not to mention that girl. I guess it just slipped my mind somehow. I'm sorry I got you upset baby. I always screw things up, and I feel really bad about that...That girl doesn't hang all over me though. She's just my classmate in a few of my classes this semester, and we barely talk or anything...I do listen to you, ya know. I care about what you think baby. That's why I asked. But I guess it was stupid to bring something like that up...Stupid me. *sigh*...I'm so sorry baby. I'm sorry for being a jerk...Wish I could make you feel better. I'm thinking about you. I miss you. I love you Sarah. -F.B.

Hey mahal, I miss you too. I'm sorry about things. I'm sorry if I hurt you or made you feel unwanted. I needed time to myself.... long distance relationships are hard... too hard sometimes. It's so stressful sometimes... and sometimes because we talk every day certain things build up, and we end up fighting over something stupid. I know I get sensitive... but I needed a time out from all of that. There are alot of insecurities in our relationship. You know that, and I know that. We know that we love eachother... it's just hard to not have those insecurities when we haven't even met. *sigh* It bothers me alot. I love you so much... and I worry that all of this is going to go away someday. But I was thinking today... even if things don't work out the way we want then to in the future, I hope we will still be really good friends. I don't wanna think about that though... because I do wanna be with you... and I do love you. I do. It's been weird... I think I've been sorta numb this past week. I haven't cried at all... I feel like I should... and I feel like I need too, but I just haven't been able too. I had a few moments here and there, and a whole bunch of pangs of wanting to text you, or email you or something... but I also needed some space. I'm sorry, I love you, Sarah

Hi baby. I missed you. The past week has been kinda boring and weird for me. I just wanted to hear from my girl. And I kinda felt unwanted, un-needed. Sometimes I'd even wonder if you missed me. I wanted to e-mail or text you, but you did say that you wanted a time-out...I respect that baby, but like I said, I just wasn't so happy about it. I remember it would be pretty tough during the night-time, cuz I would just be laying in bed thinking about you, thinking what you were doing or if you were just ok. I really didn't do much during the week. I mostly just played some PS2 and during the night-time around midnight or so, sometimes I'd just watch some cable here in the dining room. I'm just not used sleeping so early and I kinda missed getting online to reply to your email and stuff.... I'm sorry. I love you, F.B.

You did upset me... you know that issue is touchy with me, and I don't like talking about it. I'm glad we talked on the phone, and at least hearing your voice helped me to calm down after awhile... though I'm sorry I hung up on you at first. Aw, I made you cry too? I'm sorry baby... I can't help it... you did upset me. It's just touchy with me. You know I just don't like the way that girl acts/acted around you, even if she does it with everyone. And you saying that to me... I dunno baby I still don't get it. I just worry... I wanna be the only girl for you... I wanna be the only one that gets your attention. And it's selfish and I'm jealous- like you, yes... I can't help it. And you telling me that... I just don't get it baby. Why can't you tell her happy birthday in school? Why a text? It seems so personal that she should know your phone number. I dunno, maybe it's more common there for all your classmates to have eachother's cell phone numbers. But here... I don't give my number out usually... not even to co-workers. I just felt let down, I can't explain it... and I'm sorry if you don't understand or think I'm making a big deal. That's just how I feel. I don't want you to get personal with some other girl... and I worry that you like her... or something, I dunno. It's just... you're the shy guy, you've told me that... so I worry that you wanna text some other girl. That's why I said I don't get it... I know you don't like her like that, I just can't help worrying... and this problem on top of the stress from work and everything, just really really upset me. You did hurt me. I don't like talking about her. And it doesn't seem like we agree on how to handle that situation, so that's why I said that I didn't want you to mention her to me unless I asked, because it just upsets me. I hung up the phone because I was angry with you and then I just cried real hard for awhile. But then I missed you and I felt bad for hanging up with you and leaving things like that... and I need you baby... you're my boy... you're my best friend, I hate when things are messed up between us, I don't like feeling like that either.... I just need you, I need to be near you, and I need to be close to you, I needed to hear your voice, I wanted you to make everything better baby... and you know I love you, you dork... I can't help that, Sarah

I'm sorry I got you upset baby. That was really stupid of me. I still feel kinda bad about hurting you like that. You were really crying on the phone. That made me cry too, ya know. I'm so sorry. I just feel like a bad boyfriend and I guess I deserved it when you hung up the phone on me...You love me, I was just thinking that, cuz you called even though you were mad at me. It was nice that we got to talk and make up baby. I'm sorry...I love you. -F.B.

We made it a year. For the first 12 months every day on the 1st, we would have a "Monthiversary" as F.B. called them. The first 12 months, weren't always easy. There were good times and there were bad times. We talked every day, whether it was through email, online messenger, text messages or the phone. There wasn't a day that we didn't stay in touch somehow. It was amazing, that we were able to stay in touch so well, being so far apart. But we made it work. Despite the distance and time differences, we always made it work somehow. And when we had problems, we talked them out. We still write letters to each other. And on our birthday's & Christmas we send each other gifts. On our 1st Anniversary together, he sent me 12 cards. One for each month we had been together. Still... long distance relationships are tough. We go though all the phases and problems regular couples would have together, yet we are physically apart from each other. Sometimes I miss him so badly. And I know he misses me.

*Whoosh*. I had the worst moment of self doubt there... tell me we're in this for the long run mahal? Cause I don't want to lose you, and I want to know I'll probably be with you someday.... eek.... I gotta run to work. I love you, Sarah

I'm here all the way. I believe in you. I believe in us. I believe that someday we'll meet and be together. Just keep the faith. Remember....."Nothing without faith". Smile, Sarah. No worries. You're in my heart. I love you. F.B.

"Sarah Lynn C." wrote: Hey Mahal, I'm blessed to have guy like you in my life. You're in my heart. It makes me happy to think of you too. I can't stop thinking about you, lol. I'm glad you are in my life. I love you so much. I was thinking about the time I 'thought' I was in love. Well- what we have is different. Because... before, I was never sure or certain about things. With you I'm never not unsure. Because I know you love me. I love you too. I can't explain it- but maybe you understand what I'm talking about. It's just that I am certain about things with you. It's just that I've never felt this way about someone. I've never felt this sure about someone.

Does it ever bother you- that we are so far apart? We speak every day, but sometimes like I said before, it gets lonely. Because I know you are there but all I have is words to work with. It's not like I can get in my car, drive to meet you somewhere. It's not like, I can hold your hand, or hold you, or look into your eyes or even kiss you. All we have are these words... to express ourselves and how we feel. Sometimes, that gets lonely...but at least I can meet you in my dreams.

I wonder what will happen to us in 5 years or so? What do you think? We are bound to meet someday, I think that's pretty much certain, lol. I do think about the future alot. The future, hopefully with you in it and don't get scared, haha, I'm not talking about marriage yet... I'm talking relationship wise. Though of course I think about that sometimes. I think about how nice that would be- if we ever did end up together...forever. Do you know your letter is still in my purse, or that I still look at your picture at night. Silly me, lol. I love you so much, why can't I say that enough? I say it- but I want more. This is so crazy- haha. I must be in love huh? Mahal kita, Sarah

Holy crap! You've been thinking through a lot of things there, Ms. Clydesdale..... I'm happy with what we have. I'm glad I could talk to you through e-mails and stuff. I guess, sometimes it does get lonely when you're wanting a certain someone to be there with you. But those words you share are very important to me. They aren't just words, they're your words. As for the future, I wonder about that too. These little things we're doing are kinda like ways of strengthening our relationship. Who knows, maybe someday..... I gotta get some sleep. Good night, Sarah. Mahal kita.. F.B.

I long for the day
that we finally meet
To stare into your beautiful eyes
To caress your smooth skin
To run my fingers through your silky hair
To hold your soft hands
To kiss your tender lips
To hear your soothing voice
To put a smile on your lovely face
To wrap my arms around you
To make you mine
I long for that day
A day that I pray would come
I long for it

Remember that? I posted that at LF a long time ago. Guess to whom it was intended for. Her initials are SLC. You know already? LoL! Actually, I edited one line- the 2nd to the last one. The original had- " A day that may never come" and I just changed it to- " A day that I pray would come". Take care, God bless. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.

F.B. decided once, that we weren't going to say, "Goodbye" on the phone anymore. That we would just say, "I love you." A deal we still keep to this day. Though once in awhile, when I'm rushing, I slip and forget!

Anyway, I was thinking about what you said in the chat thingie just before you left awhile ago. You said "Goodbye", "I'm done"......That kinda made me sad, actually. Though, I knew you didn't mean it in that way and you were stressing out and stuff.....Aw, I'm sorry baby. I wish I was there to comfort you when you're feeling stressed out or blah. Oh, how I wanna give you a hug. It does get hard sometimes. Being so far apart. Sometimes I ask the Lord why it has to be like this. Why the girl I truly love is so far away from me.....*sigh* I miss you baby. I pray that someday we'll be together. You mean everything to me. You're my best friend, my girl, my angel. I love you so much, Sarah. I need you. I was kinda thinking about the whole "Bye" thing. It would be nicer to say "I love you". That would be a nice "thing" for us (my parents have a similar "thing" they don't say bye on the phone). Anyway- It's a deal, Ms. Sarah Lynn Clydesdale. I love you, F.B.

There are hard times in our relationship, when we miss each other terribly. I use all of these emails and letters to tell our story, because it's better to see them expressed in our own words.

No need to be sorry. You're just being real.....being you. I love you for that. You know I'll listen to you anytime. I miss you too. But I tend to focus on the good things about our relationship. Ya know- the faith that we share, the knowledge that there's someone out who cares and prays for me, the inspiration you give me, etc. Just thinking about it makes me happy. Thinking about you makes me happy. That's why I feel sad when I hear you're sad. If only I could be there right this moment- I would.....just to put a smile on your face.

You're the one person I've been the most open to. Trust me when I say that. It's just that, I'm not really that good in expressing my feelings verbally probably cuz of my shyness. I am the "quiet boy" after all. LoL! It's like I said before, it's easier to type stuff cuz you got time to think things through. But all the things I tell you are honest and come from the heart. I trust you. I want you, Sarah. I want to be with you. I wanna be there for you. To make you smile, to make you happy, to be "the one" for you, to be your "everything". I pray for all of those things....cuz I love you. "Love is patient" Smile, Sarah. No worries. I miss you. I love you. F.B.

I remember when we talked on the phone awhile ago, you asked- "Am I too deep?" and I said "No"......I mean- you are deep, but not "too deep". Ya know.....I understand that you get emotional and thoughtful sometimes cuz that's who you are. You're just being honest, being real. I love that about you. And you know that I'll be here to listen. You could always lay them down on me.

My hopes would be to graduate from college and meet you someday, my dreams would be to be "the one" for you, my strength would be you cuz you make me happy and you make me wanna be a better person, and my weakness would mainly be my shyness. I'm not that good in expressing my emotions. I mean, it's easier to write or type stuff. Writing is you, no doubt. I mean, just reading your e-mails.....Wow! It's one of those things that I admire about you. And writing's pretty much what keeps us in touch. And your writing was what first drew me to you. It kinda brought us together. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I miss you. I love you. *mwah* F.B.

SARAH: You seem quiet or preoccupied today. are you sleepy?
FB: Not really
SARAH: Thoughtful?
FB: Kinda
SARAH: Sleepy or thoughtful?
FB: Thoughtful
SARAH: Whatcha thoughtful about?
FB: You
SARAH: Elaborate... that can mean alot of things, lol.
FB: I'm just thinking how I love you so much
SARAH: But..... how you miss me so much?
FB: That too....and thinking of the first time we'll ever meet
SARAH: Are you scared? Okay... nervous sounds better, lol
FB: Yeah, that was what I was gonna say. LoL!
SARAH: Well... I mean I'm scared... haha. I'm scared it's going to be very awkward.
FB: Well, it would be our first time to see each other in person....so I guess, that'd be normal
SARAH: I wanna be with you.
FB: I wanna be with you too
SARAH: If I could give everything up, and leave everything behind. I would. But somehow I know it's not the right time yet... and that bothers me....
FB: mmmmm hmmmmm
SARAH: uh huh.... that's all you can say? LOL
FB: I'll wait for you.
SARAH: For me? I'm waiting for you.. LOL
FB: cool.
SARAH: Mr. needs to graduate. 3 more years, 3 more years, 3 more years.......
FB: Yep.
SARAH: I'm just here... lol. But you need to finish school. So mostly... it's me waiting for you.
FB: Wait for me then.
SARAH: I'll always wait for you F. I wanna be with you. I'm just going to need to learn alot of patience, if I want to be with the one person that's most important to me.
FB: I love you.
SARAH: I love you too.
FB: Love is patient. haha!
SARAH: I know, lol. But it's not easy. It may be patient. But it didn't say it wouldn't be hard, lol
FB: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
SARAH: I love you... you are so good for me... you are so good to me... I'm so blessed...
FB: We're both blessed to have each other
SARAH: And I don't want to let you go, or ever lose you. It's not like I can go back to the way things used to be- cuz you're
such a part of my life.
FB: I'm not going anywhere
SARAH: Neither am I. I love you F.
FB: I love you too

Sometimes were harder than others. We had moments of self doubt and insecurities. When you're in a relationship with someone for so long, yet you haven't been with them physically, there is always going to be doubts and insecure feelings....

I do miss you baby. And I do worry about things. It’s true though that I’m not that emotional. I'm sorry I disappoint you sometimes. But I do feel the things that you do too. I guess it’s just that sometimes I’m not really that good with words. But I do worry about us, cuz I care about you and I wanna be with you. I wanna be the one for you. Ya know, sometimes I think “what if we met and Sarah didn’t like me”. I think about that a lot cuz ya know me, I’m insecure…Do you still love me baby? I love you, F.B.

Ya know, sometimes I feel like I could never be the man for you. Though I know I’d want to. I dunno…I guess sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough for you. I wanna be perfect for you but I just can’t and I hate myself whenever I upset you. I mean, I’ve done that a number of times already and it’s just not a good feeling. Sometimes I wonder why you love me so much or why you spoil me so much. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve that. But I want it baby. I want your love. I need it…I need you. -F.B.

We confided secrets in eachother. We told eachother things we would never tell anyone else. And we talked and discussed things when they were on our mind. We always supported eachother and we were always there for each oother through the hard times. The best part of our relationship, is that we understand eachother. We get eachother. F.B. is the positive attitude to my negative attitude. We complete eachother in someway.

I need you... I can't let you go, I can't give you up, I love you so much, and you're so important to me. You complete me in some way... and I don't think I'll ever find someone else that makes me feel they way you do, or someone that treats me the way you do, someone that makes me feel special, and who loves me so much. Someone I get along with, and someone I trust, and someone I can be silly with... lol. I love you, Sarah

I got home earlier than usual cuz of that dean's lister's assembly thing during the afternoon. I didn't go though. Ya know me, I don't like going to social stuff like that. And people were bugging me asking why I didn't go...I just don't want to. They don't understand. But you do baby. You really do. You just understand my dorky ways and me being a quiet boy. And you love me despite all that. I'm a lucky guy. I love you, F.B.

You gave me the heart thing this morning, when you said I understand you. I do understand baby. I don't like big social gatherings. I am okay with small groups of family or friends. But I feel self conscious and funny and anti social and shy in large groups or gatherings. I don't like parties so much. I would rather stay at home sometimes, then attend a party or anything like that... I feel out of place. You're right. Why don't people understand? Why do they feel like they have to drag you into the middle of it all? It's like they feel sorry for us. Like we are missing out on something?! But I don't feel sorry, because I honestly don't have fun at parties. I don't enjoy them... I just feel overwhelmed. I don't like having to be "on" I like to zone out, lol... and not have to be social all the time.

I was thinking... this morning, how before in my life... I always went for guys (or had a crush on guys.) who were the outgoing center of attention type... but that always made me feel like crap! (Why did I do that to myself!?) Because all I wanted to do was sit on the sidelines. And that's what I did, just sit, watching them have fun.... while I was all alone with no one, and it sucked and it hurt bad. But then I met you... and you understand me too baby. And I would rather have someone sit on the sidelines with me, holding my hand and being with me. Then having some obnoxious outgoing guy that goes off in the crowd and leaves me all alone to be by myself. That's not what I want. I want you. I want to hang back in the crowd, and sit off by ourselves, being our shy anti-social selves, lol! Because we will always have eachother. And when we are feeling insecure we will have eachother's hands to hold, and eachother's ears to whisper in, and eachother's company. And that's all I want. I want you. I need you in my life. *mwah* I love you, Sarah

I gave you the heart thing eh. That's nice to know baby. It's always good knowing I still do that to you. You do understand me baby. You know I'm not the type to go to social stuff and parties and stuff like that. You're right, I just don't enjoy stuff like that. And it just feels weird when you're in some place you really don't want to be in. Some people just don't understand that. Sometimes my family doesn't understand that either. But they know I'm the shy guy...Anyway, I'm glad I can share these things with you baby. I do trust you. And like I said before, I feel like I can tell you just about anything. I love you Sarah. -F.B.

Around the end of April, things started to get crazy. It was an emotional time. It was around then when I wrote F.B. an email asking if we could exchange phone numbers.

I have something serious & completely crazy to ask you? If I gave you my cell phone number- would you give me yours? I want to call you. I need to talk to you. I need to actually TALK to you- so I know I'm not crazy. Actually, I'm not sure how to call you- I wonder if there's country codes or whatever the heck... arrgh. If I called you at 1 or 2am tonight, that would mean it's 1pm or 2pm Saturday where you are, right? I mean, if you actually agreed to this crazy idea. Write me back, I'm here. Sarah
You sure you really wanna do that? Cuz if you do, then I'm OK with it. -F.B.
I'm sure, why wouldn't I be sure? I eventually wanted to talk to you anyway, but I was hoping it would be closer to our birthdays. But everything is so crazy, and I feel like I need to talk to you, actually talk to you, and know this is real, and know that we're not crazy, lol. That we're in this together. I'm okay with it. I am. I trust you, I hope you trust me. Okay my cell phone number is: Now that's my local number. I don't know if there's any code you need to use in front of that... not sure. I've never ever called outside the country. -Sarah
Here's my cellphone no.: 1 to 2 pm would be OK. Tell me when you're calling. -F.B.
Do you know which is your city code? I found out the country code is 63. But I need to find out your city code.... -Sarah

Gosh! I'm not sure, I'll have to ask someone about that. I'll tell you once I find out. Trust me. Anyway, I need to go. Good night, Sarah. Love you. F.B.

Hey Love... sorry I made you stay up so late, I feel bad about that. I'm sitting here, this awful feeling in my stomach, and feeling like I want to cry. How did things get so serious? I hope we can get those city, and country codes all worked out. Maybe you're aunt visiting from the USA- would know something about calling to the Philippines, and even calling to the USA. I want to talk to you. I feel like I need to talk to you. I need to hear your voice, I need to know this is real, that we really are in this together. Email buddy? lol... so that's what you told your parents? Gosh F... I feel like we've gotten ourselves into more than we bargained for. Think about it. Is this actually going to work? Are we going to try to make it work? I want to. But at the same time, I feel like we are going to have to overcome, alot of difficulties in this relationship- if we really are going to make it work. (We can't even figure out how to call each other... LOL.) Eventually down the line, who knows when- we'll probably meet each other. Then we'll definitely know whether or not this is what we want. If we really want to be with each other for the long run.

But then there are our families. I'm not that close to my mom either, lol. I mean I tell her more than my dad. But when I think about telling her about us, about you. I start hearing all the negative things in my mind. Things like this, "You better be careful- you could meet a molester online! People have been murdered by people they met online! You don't even know him! You haven't even met him!" Typical stereotyping. This is what I fear I face from alot of people in my family in the future. Maybe I'm over reacting though, I don't really know.

These are just some of the fears, and thoughts I have deep down inside about us. About what we face in the future. I love you so much, I mean that. I don't want to lose you. And I know no matter what happens- that if we love each other and want to be with each other then things will happen, they will work out... but gosh... why is life so hard mahal ko? I wish I could talk with you. I wish you were here right now. I miss you, I love you. I'll talk to you online tomorrow. I love you, Sarah

WOW! I wish I could cheer you up. But if that's the way you feel, then I'm with you. Don't let other peoples' comments get you down though, they're just that- comments. Every one's got their own view of things. Kinda like around here at the forum. Anyway, feel free to scream away all your frustrations at me.....I'll listen. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I love you. F.B.

Yea! I figured it out! I know how to call you now, LOL! YOU HAVE THE CITY CODE IN YOUR NUMBER ALREADY! LOL! -Sarah

Hi Sarah! I'm kinda nervous about this. LoL! But Saturday sounds good. -F.B.

I'm nervous too. Do know by then it will have been a whole month since we said, 'I love you.' Why does it feel like I've lived alot more in this month, then I have in the past few years.... lol. Do you feel like that? -Sarah

I'm sure to be nervous, talking to someone I like so much. I just know I'm gonna sound like a dork on the phone.....Oh well, at least I've warned you. LoL! And yes- "I do" feel like that. As for sad e-mails, you know you can always lay it down on me. I'm always around to listen. Mahal kita, Sarah. -F.B.
That morning I tried calling him, but I couldn't get it to work. The country code thing was confusing and I kept getting error messages. I was sitting at the computer getting ready to email him, when my phone rang. I picked it up and it was him! (Months later he admitted he called me accidentally, he was waiting up for my call and playing around with his phone and accidentally dialed my number, it starting ringing so he stayed on the phone.)

It was so weird hearing each other's voices for the first time. I can't explain it. I felt so nervous and I could tell he was nervous too. He was so quiet! The entire call was maybe 5 minutes long, but it felt more like 30 minutes. Afterwards, I got off the phone and cried. I just felt so silly, because we didn't have much to say to each other, yet we always wrote such long emails. And it was just weird talking to someone you've known for so many months... someone you've said, "I love you too." yet have never heard their voice. Talking on the phone became easier over time, but the first time we ever talked on the phone was just awkward!

Hi Sarah! HOLY CRAP! I actually called you. After the call, I was thinking- "Did I just do what I think I did?". OMG! I can't believe it. It's my first time to call a girl like that. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to punch myself. LoL! Though, it was really nice to hear your voice and to hear you laugh. -F.B.

Hi Sarah! I remember the time I called you. I was thinking to myself- "You dork! You should've said this, you should've said that". LoL! After that, I checked how much I had left on my phone and YIKES!.....never mind. LoL! Anyway, I can't help but smile when I heard your voice and that British accent you did was pretty darn good. It's odd how I actually got to call you but my text message never pulled through. What the---? Take your time and get some rest. I'll just be here. Smile, Sarah. No worries. Good night. Have a nice weekend. Luv ya, F.B.

Another goodnight call, eh? I was actually thinking- "I wouldn't be surprised if Sarah called", but.....I was still surprised anyway. I just put my phone on the comp. table then all of a sudden it rang and I had the vibration thing on, you know how that is. LoL! Now who would call me at 2 in the morning, I wonder? Haha! You are too much. I can't get enough of you. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.

You called me again. LoL! I love hearing your voice. It puts a smile on my face. "I love you"- I love saying that to you on the phone and I love it when I hear you say it too. I was kinda surprised with the "I love you, I love you, I love you" thing you did on the phone though. LoL! I wasn't expecting that. You make me smile so much. I love you, I love you, I love you, F.B.
Around the end of April, I wrote my Mother a letter. I wanted to tell her about F.B. and I before things went any farther. I'm not so good at face-to-face confrontations, and I am better writing my thoughts down, rather than speaking them... so I wrote her a long letter about us. I was scared to death of what she was going to say. But I was completely right in thinking she would stereotype us. She wrote me a whole letter back, telling me all the things I didn't want to hear. That he could be a molester. That he was just telling me whatever I wanted to hear. That he just wanted a US citizenship. That I should hire an investigator, to check him out, and prove he was who he said he was. I felt sick. I had so many thoughts going on in my head. It was so complicated, what had I gotten myself into?! I didn't know what to do. I was so upset and confused, I decided maybe it would be better if F & I were just friends...maybe I was crazy. After crying in my bed for a few hours until I felt numb, I wrote him an email.

Okay, this is how I feel right now, I feel like things have gotten really intense- I mean I know they have, at least with my feelings. And at the moment things are not working in our favor. We have all the time in the world, and no need to rush into things, or make quick decisions that could ruin our lives. I don't know, I'm so confused. I've been confused for the past couple days, and I need a break from everything. That doesn't mean you have to stop writing me, I'd really cry then! haha. I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us. I'm feeling like, if I put my whole self into this- what if I just get burned? Because you are so far away from me. There are so many things that are going to get in our way. And I don't know if I can do that right now. Because I didn't like how I was feeling the other night- when I was laying there looking up at the ceiling. I don't know if I want to hurt like that again- and I feel like, if we keep things this intense, and then it doesn't work out- I don't know... I don't want to think about how I'm going to feel, or how long it's going to take me to get over you. So maybe we can step back a little and work on being friends more, and put less focus on the relationship part right now. I need that I think, I need to think about things clearly. I want to still email you, I will still mail your my letter, but I think you understand what I'm trying to ramble on about, lol. Write me later. -Sarah

Stepping back?.....If that's your decision, I respect that. I respect you. I don't want to force you into anything or rush things. Don't cry.....Oh, how I wish I could put a smile on your face. If you need a friend, I'll always be here. Take care, God bless. F.B.
I decided to vent to my friend Jimmy about the situation, things were so complicated and I needed to get my thoughts out.

Jimmy, Yes the Philippines are really far away... but you never know what could happen. And he is a nice guy, after two years, I didn't think I would find anyone that I would be interested in again. I didn't think I'd find someone that would actually listen to me, be goofy with my, or even read through the bible with me and have it be HIS idea.

Only, things have gotten worse, not with F. I talked to my mother about things, about us communicating through email, and letters. And she wrote this whole letter back, saying how he could be a molester, or how he could be saying anything to me, anything that I want to hear. How I should talk to Pastor about things. How if I want to meet someone, I should go to a Christian singles group. How I should hire an investigator, to prove he is really who he says he is.

I said, Mother," I have his picture, I have his letters, postmarked from the Philippines." She said," How do know that's really his picture?" She said, "How do you know he isn't trying to marry you or something just to come to this country. " I said, "I have his number let's call him, you can talk to him. " She says, "I don't want to talk to him."

I don't know what to do. This guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me in a long time. He actually has me reading my bible. We talk about things serious things, stupid things, goofy things. And maybe he is really far away, but you never know what could happen. I don't know how to prove to my parents, that he is who he says he is. I believe who he is. He's never once said something to me in the past 7 months that would make me doubt him. I cried so much last night, because I've gotten into this so deep, I feel like if I lose him, then I lose myself. I've had my heart broken before, I don't know if I could take that again. One of the happiest times in my life, has overnight become the worst. The only thing I can think to ever prove to them, he is who he is. Is to go ahead, and do this dumb Investigator thing. I know everything about him. So that wouldn't be a problem. My mom left me some Christian yellow pages, with some investigator place circled. I don't want to lose him, so if that's what it takes, then I guess that's what I have to do. Why is life so hard? Why does it seem like when I actually have something going for me, when I'm actually looking forward to something in my life- that everything falls apart on me? Maybe it's a test, I don't know- but I'd do whatever it takes to not have this relationship fall apart. Jimmy O, pray about this situation will you. God bless, Sarah

Hi Sarah! Ya know, your parents are just doing their job. You're their only daughter and they're just trying to protect you. They don't really know me and it's understandable that they would be worried. I understand that and I respect that. They love you and you know that. But when you think of it- all we've been doing is e-mailing each other and stuff, then I wrote you a letter. And that's about that. I offered my love and friendship, and you gave yours back to me. All the things I told you are true and I've never promised you anything, right? Don't let this mess up your life, I wouldn't forgive myself if it did. I can't answer all of your questions but.....just keep praying and God will show you the way. Life goes on and we'll just wait and see what the future holds. In any case, whatever happens- I love you and you'll always be in my heart. I'll be here listening. F.B.

Hi Sarah! The way I'm thinking is- if the relationship thing never works out for us, then I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all. We started out as friends(and we still are), so let's just continue that friendship and see where that takes us. It's like something you said in one of your pm's:

QUOTE : I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff- because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us.

I'm there during fun times(the crazy posts, pm's, e-mails, our "dates"), but I'm also there during the bad times- that's what friends are for. I wouldn't like our friendship to be ruined because of this. That is something I'd like to keep. Did it not make our faith in God stronger? Did it not make us happy? I think it's definitely something worth keeping. Wouldn't you agree? I say "I love you" because I mean it. And we were still friends after all that time. Our friendship drew us closer together. And I wouldn't like that to change. Smile, Sarah. No worries, no regrets. You're always in my prayers. Take care, God bless. -F.B.

Hey F, You're right. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. And I'd rather have you as a friend, than not at all. Our friendship is always going to outlast anything we come up against. And right now at this point in our lives, and the fact we are so far away- I think it is best for us to stay friends. You do make me happy. Being friends with you makes me happy. Reading through the bible with you makes me happy. And you're right, just because things aren't working relationship wise for us- doesn't mean we have to call everything else quits.

I'd like to keep doing this bible study with you. I read chapters 4-8 of Joshua today. So I guess tomorrow we can read 9-12. I like the fact- that I'm reading through everything- instead of just skipping around looking at different verses. I find myself, circling, and marking verses here and there. It nice to have a planned study- because when I'm on my own, I tend to slack. It's nice that I have you there to talk about these things with- and you know I'm here for you too. I'm gonna go, cuz I think I just about rambled myself out the other night. And I really have nothing left to say, you said it all. And I agree with you. You're in my prayers also. And you're right- no regrets. I'm blessed to have you in my life, thanks for being so understanding. Smile, take care. God bless, Sarah

Jimmy, I don't know, maybe it's not worth it. Is it worth it to mess up my life? For a relationship that's so far away- we may never even meet each other... like you said Jimmy- why not find someone closer, someone I can actually hang out with? Ack- and all these thoughts inside me are so confusing. I'm so confused.

Did I tell you I actually talked to him? It was so weird to hear each other's voices- but it was sooooooooo awkward. LOL. We couldn't think of much to say to each other. And I've been confused about things for the past two days, and ACK. What have I gotten myself into? I need to get away, I need to think. I need to step back. That's actually what I told him. I don't know... I need to step back, and think about things. It's been 7 long months... but maybe we've gone as far as we can go. Pray for me. I need some clarity in my head. Reading the bible is a very good thing though, and maybe even if we never are more than friends in that aspect- at least we are getting something good out of this. I don't think I'm going into work, I feel awful, and I need to think. Ack life is frustrating Jimmy! -Sarah

I didn't know how else I could prove to my parents, that F was honest and he really was who he said he was. I decided to contact the investigator, thinking that if that was the only way to prove things, then I would do it. Just to make my parents feel better, and accept our relationship. I emailed the investigator.

Hello Sarah, I would be happy to help you with your situation. That is the good news. The bad news is as follows. From my 29 years in the business I can tell you some cold hard facts. First, often-good people are not 100% honest. Second, this service is not inexpensive. We would require a minimum of $500.00 advance. Your total expense will probably run closer to $1,000.00 or more. Third, there is no way for me to determine the true heart of an individual. So, I can verify his data. Maybe we will catch him in a lie. We can gather information you currently do not have such as any criminal record. But in the final analysis, as you said, you are 21 years old. I could tell you of wonderful loving marriages that I have seen from Internet connections. More times though, they turn out like most relationships. I will hold you email on file. If you wish to pursue the matter, please call me. Thank you.

After reading that email, I didn't really know what to do. Even if the investigator proved F.B. was who he said he was. He could never prove what F.B.'s intentions were or what was in his heart. That would never satisfy my parents. After alot of thinking, I decided to take my own risk and make my own decision. I decided I did want to be with him and I did want to take this risk. I trusted him and he trusted me and that was all that mattered. All that mattered was that we loved eachother and that we were in this for the long run together. And it was our choice, no matter what other people's opinions would be. This was our life and our relationship. And if we were making a mistake, it would be our own.

Jimmy, I don't know what's going to happen in my relationship with F. I've decided I don't really care what happens or what people think anymore. Because I know him, he knows me. I love him, he loves me. That's all that matters. In this friendship/relationship. The fact, that we are reading through the bible together, and praying together, it's really quite awesome. He's switching majors in college, instead of Psychology, he's going to be taking Computer Sciences and might go for 3 more years to get his Bachelor’s degree... darn him- he'll be 28 or so by the time he graduates! ACK! I need patience, lol. I've also decided I'm going to go with this, and see where it takes us. I know he lives far away, but I can't explain it... God brought him into my life for a reason, and whether it was to help us grow closer to Him, or just to be friends or more. I dunno, but I'm happy. I really am. Take Care, Sarah

You're my best friend and I love you dearly. I feel like you understand me and I know you love me back despite all of my imperfections. It is hard sometimes cuz we really are never sure of what's gonna happen. But what I know for sure is that I love you and I'd want things to work out for us. I'd never wanna lose you. I love you, F.B.

"Risk everything, regret nothing." I heard that somewhere, something about "mad love".....I have no regrets how things have been with us. I'm glad I got to know you that you're in my life. And even though you're a million miles away, I feel like you're here with me. You're a part of me now. You're in my mind, in my heart.....always. And I thank God for giving me the gift that is you. I love you, Sarah.....no matter what. F.B.