Last Saturday we had overtime at work and I worked 8 hours. I was exhausted by the time it was Friday. Lucky for me Monday is a holiday and we aren't having any more overtime for awhile, so I get a 3 day weekend, yay!

My Valentines was okay... I started with another cold this week a sinus head cold and by Friday I was feeling worse and F.B. & I had a misunderstanding and I was upset with him so I just slept in on Valentines Day and didn't meet up online with him for our "date". This morning I didn't either, but I was just feeling so sick I took some NyQuil and went right back to bed and didn't get up until the late afternoon.

F.B.'s mom had some personalized sheets and pillow cases made up for my parents and a set for me too. They arrived on Valentines. F.B.'s Dad had mailed the package. He's a ship captain and happened to be docked in PA so he mailed the package while he was in the USA. My sheet set is purple. The 2 pillow cases match the sheets.











I texted F.B. and told him they arrived and then I got a text message back from him later asking if there had been anything from him in the box. I hadn't noticed it way at the bottom of the box under the sheets. Turns out he had enclosed a package in the box with my valentines cards and a letter as a surprise. He even sent me San Mig coffee & lemon mint Closeup toothpaste in sachets and a Watson's mint lip balm, because he remembered I just ran out of mine. That was sweet of him, I wasn't expecting a package. Too bad I didn't look in the bottom of the box until Sunday morning! I would have gotten my Valentines gifts on Valentines Day, haha!













Cinnamon turned 1 years old today. She's had such a full year. Getting to know her sisters Sugar & Spice, getting an emergency spay in May, losing her sister Spice in December and gaining 2 new sisters Ginger & Nutmeg. We had a little party for her, I bought ice cream cake for the family and the ratties enjoyed a slice too for Cinnamon's birthday, they really enjoyed themselves!

















































Saturday I also gave my new car a wash and discovered some scratches along the front of the hood... like someone almost brushed against it by walking by with something or I don't know what! There's 4 actually. 2 were very light and came out when I rubbed compound on it and then wax. The other 2 are quite deep and look like 2 fine white lines against the black paint. I'm hoping it's not very deep but it's not coming out with rubbing the compound with my hand and the white scratches are distracting against the black. My dad has to get a new pad for his buffer & is going to try buffing it out. I guess if it doesn't come out I'll have to take it to the dealership for repair. Sigh. Saturday after I came out of work from overtime someone has scraped their door against mine and there were 2 big scratches on it then! I had to use the compound on that too, but it was just in the wax coating. What the heck?! I don't make any payments on my car until March and it's already getting scratched by morons in parking lots! Arrgh!

Okay so I got in touch with the Philippine Consulate this morning and this is what they said....

They said even though the expiration date on my visa is October 24th, because I'm arriving before that date on October 6th the visa will still be valid when I enter the Philippines. My 59 days for the visa start counting on the day I enter the country. If I was to arrive after the 24th the visa would not be valid anymore. It sounds sooo confusing. But she explained it like 6 times to me because I didn't get it. And my visa does say the 59 days thing on it... so I hope I will be okay. I'm still going to contact the USA Embassy in Manila Philippines to ask them about it... but I guess the Philippine Consulate knows what they are talking about since they issues visas all the time...

I'm sure most of you have read about my visa issue: Here.

Back in March I mailed my visa application in prematurely. But a lady from the Philippine New York Consulate called me and said they would hold my passport for me and issue the visa in September- so it would expire around the end of December. I was going to call the Philippine Consulate in New York on Friday to check in with them and make sure it was being mailed in September.

Well today when I arrived home I found my passport/visa waiting for me... and they issued my visa wrong!!!

The issue date is: July 25th, 2008.

Expiration date: October 24th, 2008.

My trip dates on my visa application are:
October 6th-December 4th, 2008!!!

Ohhhh they issued my visa wrong and I only have 2 months to get this straightened out! I called their office and no one was there so I had to leave a detailed message and I also just emailed them. I'm going to call them again in the morning. This needs to be fixed.

I had to send them my passport, notarized visa application, passport photo, bank statement, income tax copy, flight itinerary, copy of my plane ticket & a money order for the visa. So they had all of my information to issue the visa. I really hope they can get this straightened out. I'm hoping they let me express mail my passport back to them and they can fix my visa. I have the receipt they sent me. Someone really messed up and I want to cry!

Cinnamon went back for her 2nd check up tonight. And they removed the metal sutures! They also said I could stop the antibiotic. So my girl is all better! She hasn't had any bleeding since she got spayed. And she's getting chunky again. Her surgery area is turning into a scar and she's growing her fur back on her belly already. I undid the latch in the cage that separates the two levels so that she can live with her sisters Sugar & Spice again. I was worried they might fight or have dominance issues, since they were separated for 2 weeks, but they've been quiet all evening. I'm sure all of them are happy to have free range of the entire cage again!

In other news F.B. & I have been communicating better than we have these past few weeks. We still haven't talked seriously about things yet, but we are both doing much better since my venting post. Long distance relationships are so difficult & the distance between us is just crazy! It's so difficult when you're both from different countries. It's just so frustrating & such a struggle sometimes. Talking about or planning our future is also full of complications and struggles. Thank you everyone for your comments, thoughts & advice. I really appreciate it.

I'm contemplating canceling my trip to the Philippines for October... I emailed Orbitz to ask them whether my ticket is refundable or non-refundable. Somehow I think it's non-refundable though and there's no way I'm letting $1,100 go down the drain, not to mention the $900.00 I still owe on my credit card...

I'm just so frustrated with our relationship right now. I've been missing our "dates" online each weekend because whenever I get online to talk with him I feel depressed or I feel angry with him. Whenever I bring up the job issue I get, "I'm sorry.", "I hope...", "It would be nice..."

The "Job Issue" has became a huge issue for me. It's been a year since F.B. graduated college. He's been looking for employment but he just hasn't found anything. Sometimes I just don't know if he is putting himself out there as much as he should or trying as hard as he should. We had an argument about this back in January after I got back from the Philippines because when we were together I asked him if he was still job searching and he said, "He put it off because he knew I was coming to visit and he didn't want to be working when I visited."

We disagree sometimes because we have different points of views and experiences. I've gotten up for 6 years and gone to a job I dislike... but I do it because the money there allows me to travel yearly, to save money for my future and it's also worth it because I have 3-4 months off out of the year. (I work for the Dept of the Treasury).

F.B. wants to find the perfect job. And I try to explain to him, the first job he finds might not be his dream job, it might be something he has to do until something better comes along. But it would be a job and it would mean security and income to save together and I know he wants to save for our future together. But it's been a year! And my Fiance is going to be 29 years old this October and he still has not found a job! I still live with my parents too, but I support myself. I also pay a lot of bills for my parents- towards my rent. And they know I am saving money to move out & get married.

It's just gotten to the point where I am so frustrated and angry with him. I'm tired of giving people an honest answer when they ask, "Has your fiance gotten a job yet?" I want to lie to them just to stop them from answering, "He STILL hasn't found a job!?" I'm tired of being embarrassed about it. I'm tired of laughing bitterly about it or making stupid jokes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life. I could have gone to a tech school in these 4 years. I actually was enrolled in a tech school almost 4 years ago but the school canceled my classes and I haven't tried again. I put the tech school idea off because I didn't want to be tied to loans in the USA if I was going to move to the Philippines. I didn't want to tie up my money or have major debt when we are saving to be married.

To be honest. I don't really want to move to the Philippines anymore. To do so would mean giving up driving, (I am NEVER driving over there!), my credit cards, financial security, employment opportunities. Somehow I understand that he might not be able to just walk in and get a quick job as a cashier or something. They do not have equal opportunity employment in the Philippines. I've looked at the want ad's. They have age requirements & cut-offs for certain jobs. Their requirements for a job are so specific sometimes they ask you to be a certain age, height, weight, sex & religion. At least if I stay in the USA. I have job security. Both my parents have been saying to me lately, "Just get married and bring him to the USA." My Dad said, "There's more job opportunities in the USA." For my Dad to say that... Wow.

F.B. has never been "excited" about the prospect of moving to the USA. He isn't looking to just come to the USA. If he was, he would have married me the first chance I gave him. But he's a good guy and he wants things to be perfect for us when we do get married. He wants to have money and to feel secure. He worries too much about things sometimes. He's always wanted to stay in the Philippines & the plan was always for me to move to the Philippines... but lately my feelings have changed on that.

If it's taking him this long to find a job, it would make more sense for us to get married & work on bringing him to the USA so he could find employment here. Filing the paperwork would take long enough to even get him over here. But even the "marriage thing" is a big argument with us... I am just so frustrated with my relationship right now and need to vent....

EDIT: My ticket is non-refundable, I won't be canceling my trip to the Philippines...

I had a dream about F.B. the other night. In the dream I was back in the Philippines and we were walking around a supermarket together talking. Then later in the dream we were back at his house and my parents were also in the Philippines so we brought home some Yellow Cab pizza for them to try. It must be my last night there, because F.B. helps me pack and says he will wake me up in the morning for my flight. In the morning I wake up and wonder why he didn't wake me up like he said he would, so I walk out of the bedroom and start walking around the house calling "F.B.!". The house is now my grandparents house (Dad's parents) and I still can't find F.B. anywhere and can't figure out why he didn't wake me up. Then I realize I'm not in the Philippines, I'm back in the USA and that's why. Strange dream... I tend to have more vivid and realistic dreams when I take my Meletonin supplement.

Funny story... When I was in the Philippines in January F.B. & I were in bed falling asleep. Sometimes my dreams are so realistic I might talk out loud (sometimes I also see bugs on the walls & wake up startled.) Well, in my dream F.B. was taking me down a dark tunnel (I'm very claustrophobic!) I wake F.B. up saying, "I see stuff on the wall!" ??? F.B. says to me (I must have been half asleep by then because I don't remember this part.) "Are you having a bad dream?" I say, "No." and go back to sleep. Haha! In the morning I told him to stop taking me down dark tunnels in my dreams and I wouldn't wake him up anymore, hehe!

*Edited To Add*

Last night I text messaged F.B. and asked if I could call him. It was about 2am. (2pm Philippine time.) So he texts me back and said: He didn't think it would be a good idea because he was waiting for the mechanic to bring the car back to the house and he needed to be available to check it out and stuff. I was kind of upset by his answer so I just went to sleep. Around 3am he texts and says the car was dropped off & I could call now if I wanted to.... an HOUR later... when I could have called him and talked to him earlier when I first asked. By 3am I was half asleep and too upset with him to call. The thing is... I hardly ever get to call him. We don't talk on the phone that much because it's very expensive! But once in awhile I need to hear his voice and actually talk with him. We don't get to do that every day!

The reason we usually text before we call is because of the 12 hour time difference. It's helps to text beforehand to make sure we're both available. I was just upset and frustrated because I don't understand why I couldn't call when I first text messaged him. His reason was: 'He didn't want our call interrupted.' But we probably would have finished our conversation before the mechanic even showed up. When we talk on the phone it's usually 15-20 minutes at the most. It's very rare if we get to talk an hour, because of the cost. I don't know... is this a petty thing to be upset about? Long distance relationships are so frustrating sometimes... sigh.

We've been through alot these past few years we've been together. And even we though we are so far apart we still have issues arise in our relationship. Things aren't always perfect. Sometimes we get upset with eachother, sometimes we argue. And F.B. refers to me as "His Drama queen". There have been some defining moments in our relationships. Arguments and discussions that have only brought us closer to eachother.

Hey baby, Ack... I always feel like I'm bringing up something that we need to discuss... like the talking thing or the religion thing. I always feel like I'm being so serious, and maybe a little too thoughtful about things at times... sigh, sigh, sigh. See, I wanted to talk about this earlier, but this bothers me way too much to talk about and it has bothered me for a long time now but it's such a weird thing to bring up. And then I start to feel like I'm being one of those jealous girls or something, and that's not how it is, I just need to know some stuff, I guess.

When we were looking at old posts today and me looking at all your old posts- and then I thought someone else had asked you something- but it turned out to be Sarah#1- and I said, "Never mind"- and you asked me, "Does that bother you?" And I said something about "I don't know how to answer that, I don't want to talk about it, never mind." Yeah.... it does bother me, cuz when I look at all those posts- they were around end of November, into December- and just a month later there we were starting off our relationship- right after you had been saying 'Oh you make me smile, oh I missed you.' to someone else....not to mention- with the same name! I guess, I'm just wondering, if you guys were ever close, like us? I guess I just need to know these things, because maybe that would help me to better understand why she was so angry at me right before she left for good- and why she said some of the things she said to me. Yeah so... I dunno... I feel really really weird bringing this up- but it's something that's been on my mind for the past 6 months of our relationship. I love you, Sarah

Sarah#1 and I were never that close. All we had was a forum thing. We flirted around and that was that. We had fun at the boards, though she wasn't around most of the time. I knew she was 18, she lived somewhere in Texas and that she's an Avril fan, that's about it. I e-mailed her a couple of times- Christmas and stuff. But we never really shared stuff about our lives. We never said "I love you" to each other. I guess sometimes, she makes it sound like we were "together" but truly we weren't. It's just that I enjoyed her company around the boards(whenever she was around). I'm quite surprised she got angry at you like that. It's partially my fault, I guess.....sorry. Ya know, I have no problem if you wanna talk about this. If there's anything more you'd like to discuss, feel free to do so. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I love you baby. F.B.

Hi baby. I miss you. I'm sorry I upset you. I just didn't know what to say yesterday with the ym texts, and then when you called, I was just all quiet. It's just sometimes I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry baby. I wish I could just say all the things you'd want to hear and tell you that we'd be visiting sometime soon, but that's really not a sure thing and I was just trying to be honest. Though the possibility is still there, it just doesn't seem like it. It would be nice though to just visit first and get to know each other. I would like that too baby. But I'm just not sure when that would be. I pray that we'll be together soon.

My parents are like "You should finish your studies, so you could go to the states to see Sarah soon.", or so we could just visit as a family and see some of our relatives...They and some relatives in the US actually told me that before even before I knew you. I guess it's a sorta motivation thing to get my studies done soon. Cuz I've been in college for quite some time now. It's kinda embarrassing to think about sometimes. It was stupid of me wasting all that time and wasting my parents' money. I was a bad boy. I guess that's why I just wanna finish my studies soon and kinda redeem myself. I know I've given my parents some headaches before and they'd really be happy when I do graduate soon.

I worry about the height thing too baby. I'm just the little guy and I'm worried that might turn you off. But ya know, I don't really mind that you're taller than me, what really bothers me is that I'm shorter than you. It's not that I'm insecure about my height, it's just that I worry you wouldn't want me because of it. Cuz I know most girls want guys who are taller than them. And I'm just not. I'm just the little guy. I'm just me...And I know it's scary thinking about things sometimes and it's kinda tough answering all those questions cuz we really don't know what's gonna happen. So I understand baby. I feel the same things too. I love you, F.B.

About Ami (that's the girl's name)... well, it's not that she calls or texts me. She just rang my phone once when we were reviewing for exams in the library. Well, I was reviewing then she just came along. I never gave her my number but I guess she could've gotten it from Ken or something. She was my classmate in NSTP last semester, and I did tell you about her before when she handed me this piece of paper with some number in it. I think it was her cellphone number. I dunno. I threw the paper away. And some other time, she was asking stuff about me having a girlfriend and I said "Yes, she's 22". So she knows I have a girlfriend baby. Anyway, awhile ago in school, she sat next to me in one of my classes. She's pretty young...16 or 17, I think. And she's kinda "madaldal". That's talkative in tagalog. And she was asking my birthday and stuff. She even stole a side view pic of me with her cellphone. She's just being friendly, I guess. I don't think she likes me like that. And she did say that she has a boyfriend. I'm sorry if I upset you baby, but I just want you to know stuff. And don't worry baby...I don't want her...It's you I want, it's you that I love. You're my one and only. And you know that I'm all yours baby. I love you so much and I don't want anyone else but you. I love you, -F.B.

I really don't think she likes me like that but I guess there's a possibility. But if she does, I don't get it. How could she like me like that? Sure, we came into the school at the same time and we've been classmates here and there but we barely talk or anything...She can be weird sometimes too. Awhile ago, I was just hanging out at the arcade during lunch break and she was around there with some classmates and saw me. She went up to me and slapped my arm and pinched me kinda playfully but it still hurt. Why'd she do that?...Btw, she's not that girl who asked me to her party. You still remember that eh. LoL! That girl invited the whole class and some other classmates anyway...not just me. haha. Anyway, I guess I could understand about the jealous thing cuz I know I wouldn't want some other guy talking to you or something. I'm your jealous boy, so I understand baby...I just want you to know that I don't want her...it's you that I want. I know you said you don't care about that, but I'll just say it again anyway. And you know that I'm all yours baby...I'm sorry if that got you jealous, but I just want you to know stuff. I don't want you to worry about things. You're my one and only...I love you girlfriend ko. *mwah* -F.B.

About this girl... I am going from girl experience here... and the crushes I have had in the past.... and I think she might like you... Any girl that calls a guy several times, and wants to know why he never texts her. And actually just what you said about how she got upset when you didn't hear her saying hi to you. Okay... if I had a crush on you (actually I love you.. hee hee... but let's pretend.) and I said hi to you... and you didn't hear me or acknowledge me. I would be upset... and I might get angry about it. *Sigh* I love you, Sarah

I'm sorry about the girl thing. But I just felt like sharing stuff to you cuz you're my girlfriend. It wasn't my intention to get you upset or make you jealous...I'm sorry baby. That girl does freak me out sometimes, like that time she got mad for me not hearing her say hi. She really did seem serious about it...weird. Anyway, I'll try to stay away from her baby. I'm all yours. I was thinking about the girl thing...so should I not tell you about those kinda things baby, cuz I don't wanna get you upset or anything like that. I don't intend to get close to any girls either baby. I just feel like sharing things sometimes though. But if you're uncomfortable with it, I'd understand. Cuz it's like you said how I'd be jealous too if you told me stuff. So I understand baby. I love you. *mwah* -F.B.

I'm sorry baby. You probably don't even wanna hear from me right now, but I'm just gonna be sending this email anyway...I'm sorry about awhile ago. I just felt like sharing those things with you cuz you're my girlfriend. I do respect you, that's why I don't hide those kinda things from you. That's why I even asked you if it was ok to do so before telling you. I just wanted to be honest about stuff. And I wish you'd trust me. It hurts for me to hear that you have doubts about that, cuz trust has been a big part of our relationship. I don't want that to get ruined just cuz of some classmate of mine...I know that it worries you sometimes, but I don't want her baby. I don't care about her. It's you that I want. And whenever I do stuff like when I say "I'm not good at that" or something...in my mind, I'm saying "I won't do that cuz I have a girlfriend and I love her"...I guess I'm just not good with words...I know I got you upset, so I'd understand if you wouldn't wanna talk to me. But I'm really sorry. I hope you feel better soon. I'm thinking about you...I miss you. I love you. F.B.

You're right... I don't want to hear from you right now. I'm glad that you're honest with me. I'm always honest with you too. And I want you to tell me stuff. But just because you tell me stuff, doesn't mean I'm not going to have feelings about it or opinions. Or that I'm not going to get upset. I can't promise that. You still don't get it though... I know you don't have feelings for her. I know you don't care about her. I know you love me. But- you don't know what her intentions are. And this new stuff you're telling me- just add’s to my theory.

So she knows you have a girlfriend. So what. That doesn't mean anything. You obviously know her intentions aren't just to be your "friend". She's obviously flirting with you. She's obviously trying to get your attention. So what if she's your classmate. You can't keep playing these things off. If she sits next to you and you're uncomfortable, you move across from her and say something about it, like, "I don't think it's a good idea to sit together like that." If she's saying stuff like smell me... or massage my hands- then duh! Don't play it off, by joking around with her. She's just going to think you're flirting back. You say, something like, "I don't think that would be appropriate." You don't joke back with her! You have to make some boundaries and stick with them.

Or you can say to yourself, "If Sarah was to walk into the room right now, would she be all right with this?" I think that would tell you right off whether you're respecting me or not. It doesn't matter if you don't like her back. But you don't let her sit there and continue to flirt with you. You don't ignore it. You don't joke about it. You say something, that lets her know that it's not okay with you. You don't have to be mean. It can be as simple as, "I don't think that's appropriate." Or, "I don't think that's a good idea.". Letting her sit next to you and letting her say things to you that aren't appropriate for school- is... not right... you're not respecting me when you continue to let her do those things. Whether you ignore it or not. If I had to go to work every day. And there was a younger guy in my unit- and he came by every day and tried to sit next to me at the computer or asked me to smell him. Or tried to touch my hands, or just acted funny around me like he was interested in me, I would let him know that's not okay with me. I would say something to him, whether it hurt his feelings or not. Because I wouldn't wanna lead him on. You're my boyfriend. And it would not be okay if he sat next to me, or tried to touch me, or said things that aren't work related, and weren't appropriate for work. And if he didn't stop. I'd tell my manager.

In your email you said, when she asked you to massage her hands you said, "I'm not good at that." Meaning- it wasn't okay- because I'm your girlfriend. SHE CAN'T READ YOUR MIND, OR READ BETWEEN THE LINES baby... you have to say that. You have to stop and say something like, "I don't think that's a good idea. That's not appropriate for school."

I am worried. If you continue to let her do these things.... what if one day she decides... she's still having trouble getting your attention- so she tries to kiss you. And you don't expect it. And then you're like, "What the hell!?" Then... you've lost our first kiss. Or if she just tries something simple- like going to hold your hand. Or touches your knee, or shoulder. Any of that... is not appropriate. You're my boyfriend... I'm the one supposed to be sharing those things with you. I am upset. I'm upset... because you're just taking that stuff from her, and not saying anything that's going to make her stop. You're just acting like all the others guys in this world. You're supposed to want to stand up for me, and respect me, and take care of me and my heart. You're supposed to be my boyfriend, you're supposed to me my man. The one that's there for me, and will do anything to stop me from getting hurt. I need you....

This is just a big problem right now.... and I'm not happy with it, and you're not listening to me... and I know how girls are. I'm a girl, duh. Jimmy had a girlfriend... you think that stopped me one bit from kissing his cheek that one time years ago? I don't think so... girls aren't afraid of that. All's fair in love and war... which is why you have to be careful and let her know it's not okay with you. And not put yourself in situations, where someone might see you & her sitting together and interpret it wrong. That's how rumors start. And if there's rumors and tsismoso's, or tsismosa's... you know it's gonna get back to me somehow. You can reply to this, but I don't feel like talking... so don't expect any text messages tomorrow. I wish you'd trust me about this. Because you're right... you don't want it to ruin our relationship. I love you... Sarah

I think you're making such a big deal outta this. I kinda feel like you think I'm cheating on you or that I would do so. I feel like I have to defend myself. I know I've hurt your feelings and I'm really sorry, but what about my feelings?...It just hurts hearing from you stuff like you don't know about trusting me or that I disrespect you. And when I read the entries in your xanga...it just sounds like I'm being a bad boyfriend. I dunno, it hurts...I wish you'd trust me. I wish you'd trust me to handle this in my own way. But there's really nothing there. I don't even know her that much. And we don't talk often either. We barely know each other. She's just my classmate...that's all. I know she can get flirty at times, but that's probably just the way she is. I don't flirt back, I don't joke around when I say "I'm not good at that", cuz I seriously don't wanna do it cuz I have a girlfriend. I don't intend to get close to her or any other girl except you...I don't want something like this to ruin our relationship. *sigh* I don't feel so good. I hate myself whenever I get you upset...I'm so sorry. I know this e-mail's kinda short...I'm just a little emotional right now and it's kinda tough finding the words to say. But we'll get to talk more about things in the coming days. I miss you. I love you Sarah. -F.B.

I love you too baby. And I know that everything's not perfect all the time. But it's nice that we talk about things and work things through somehow. And I do agree that it makes our relationship stronger. Cuz we get to know each other better and it gives us more understanding for each other. And I do feel we've been much closer. I feel that each and everyday. And the longer I'm with you, the more I realize how much I love you. I wanna be there for you...I love you Sarah. I do. -F.B.


neo_squared (4:00:21 PM): tell me baby, would you be jealous if I sent a text message to a girl classmate. It's her birthday
neo_squared (4:00:28 PM): *mwah*
christianchickslc (4:00:33 PM): yes...
neo_squared (4:00:50 PM): I won't text her then
christianchickslc (4:00:58 PM): not that girl, the one I don't like mentioned, is it?
neo_squared (4:01:24 PM): it is
christianchickslc (4:01:36 PM): why would you do that then?
neo_squared (4:01:57 PM): just a classmate thing
neo_squared (4:03:07 PM): don't worry baby....it's just that everybody knows it's her birthday cuz she keeps reminding everyone
neo_squared (4:03:56 PM): but I won't text her if it upsets you
neo_squared (4:05:04 PM): baby?

I don't care if you wish that girl a happy birthday in school. But sending her a text message seems so personal. You know I don't like to talk about that girl, I don't know why you would even bring her up, you know it upsets me. You know I have feelings and thoughts about that, that you don't like to hear... I told you not to mention her to me, unless I asked. Otherwise, this is what happens... it causes problems. Because it's an issue, that we don't agree on. So I would rather agree to disagree then argue about it...

I can't believe you threw in my face that, "Well, wouldn't I wish my guy friends a happy birthday?" My guy friends don't HANG ALL OVER ME or touch me, or do any of that stuff you've told me she's done. Otherwise I would know better than to send them a personal text message, that might give them the impression that I was interested in them. I might not think that, but they might think it. And anyway, no. I didn't even wish Jimmy or Brian a happy birthday because they don't care. They don't even remember when my birthday is, so why should I remember theirs? They don't act like my friend, so why should I act like theirs? They are not my friends. The only guy that wished me a happy birthday this year was my boyfriend... the boy that loves me... and cares about me.

I don't care what you do. Because I don't run your life, you do. So you will do what you want. I won't tell you what to do either, because that it none of my business as well, and you won't listen to me anyway. All I can do is give you my thoughts, and tell you how I feel, and that's how I feel. It upsets me. I can't help it, I want to be the only girl in the world that gets your attention. I guess I'm selfish too... I love you... Sarah

I'm sorry baby. It was stupid of me to ask a question like that. I shoulda known that it woulda made you jealous. And you're right, you did tell me not to mention that girl. I guess it just slipped my mind somehow. I'm sorry I got you upset baby. I always screw things up, and I feel really bad about that...That girl doesn't hang all over me though. She's just my classmate in a few of my classes this semester, and we barely talk or anything...I do listen to you, ya know. I care about what you think baby. That's why I asked. But I guess it was stupid to bring something like that up...Stupid me. *sigh*...I'm so sorry baby. I'm sorry for being a jerk...Wish I could make you feel better. I'm thinking about you. I miss you. I love you Sarah. -F.B.

Hey mahal, I miss you too. I'm sorry about things. I'm sorry if I hurt you or made you feel unwanted. I needed time to myself.... long distance relationships are hard... too hard sometimes. It's so stressful sometimes... and sometimes because we talk every day certain things build up, and we end up fighting over something stupid. I know I get sensitive... but I needed a time out from all of that. There are alot of insecurities in our relationship. You know that, and I know that. We know that we love eachother... it's just hard to not have those insecurities when we haven't even met. *sigh* It bothers me alot. I love you so much... and I worry that all of this is going to go away someday. But I was thinking today... even if things don't work out the way we want then to in the future, I hope we will still be really good friends. I don't wanna think about that though... because I do wanna be with you... and I do love you. I do. It's been weird... I think I've been sorta numb this past week. I haven't cried at all... I feel like I should... and I feel like I need too, but I just haven't been able too. I had a few moments here and there, and a whole bunch of pangs of wanting to text you, or email you or something... but I also needed some space. I'm sorry, I love you, Sarah

Hi baby. I missed you. The past week has been kinda boring and weird for me. I just wanted to hear from my girl. And I kinda felt unwanted, un-needed. Sometimes I'd even wonder if you missed me. I wanted to e-mail or text you, but you did say that you wanted a time-out...I respect that baby, but like I said, I just wasn't so happy about it. I remember it would be pretty tough during the night-time, cuz I would just be laying in bed thinking about you, thinking what you were doing or if you were just ok. I really didn't do much during the week. I mostly just played some PS2 and during the night-time around midnight or so, sometimes I'd just watch some cable here in the dining room. I'm just not used sleeping so early and I kinda missed getting online to reply to your email and stuff.... I'm sorry. I love you, F.B.

You did upset me... you know that issue is touchy with me, and I don't like talking about it. I'm glad we talked on the phone, and at least hearing your voice helped me to calm down after awhile... though I'm sorry I hung up on you at first. Aw, I made you cry too? I'm sorry baby... I can't help it... you did upset me. It's just touchy with me. You know I just don't like the way that girl acts/acted around you, even if she does it with everyone. And you saying that to me... I dunno baby I still don't get it. I just worry... I wanna be the only girl for you... I wanna be the only one that gets your attention. And it's selfish and I'm jealous- like you, yes... I can't help it. And you telling me that... I just don't get it baby. Why can't you tell her happy birthday in school? Why a text? It seems so personal that she should know your phone number. I dunno, maybe it's more common there for all your classmates to have eachother's cell phone numbers. But here... I don't give my number out usually... not even to co-workers. I just felt let down, I can't explain it... and I'm sorry if you don't understand or think I'm making a big deal. That's just how I feel. I don't want you to get personal with some other girl... and I worry that you like her... or something, I dunno. It's just... you're the shy guy, you've told me that... so I worry that you wanna text some other girl. That's why I said I don't get it... I know you don't like her like that, I just can't help worrying... and this problem on top of the stress from work and everything, just really really upset me. You did hurt me. I don't like talking about her. And it doesn't seem like we agree on how to handle that situation, so that's why I said that I didn't want you to mention her to me unless I asked, because it just upsets me. I hung up the phone because I was angry with you and then I just cried real hard for awhile. But then I missed you and I felt bad for hanging up with you and leaving things like that... and I need you baby... you're my boy... you're my best friend, I hate when things are messed up between us, I don't like feeling like that either.... I just need you, I need to be near you, and I need to be close to you, I needed to hear your voice, I wanted you to make everything better baby... and you know I love you, you dork... I can't help that, Sarah

I'm sorry I got you upset baby. That was really stupid of me. I still feel kinda bad about hurting you like that. You were really crying on the phone. That made me cry too, ya know. I'm so sorry. I just feel like a bad boyfriend and I guess I deserved it when you hung up the phone on me...You love me, I was just thinking that, cuz you called even though you were mad at me. It was nice that we got to talk and make up baby. I'm sorry...I love you. -F.B.

Around the end of April, things started to get crazy. It was an emotional time. It was around then when I wrote F.B. an email asking if we could exchange phone numbers.

I have something serious & completely crazy to ask you? If I gave you my cell phone number- would you give me yours? I want to call you. I need to talk to you. I need to actually TALK to you- so I know I'm not crazy. Actually, I'm not sure how to call you- I wonder if there's country codes or whatever the heck... arrgh. If I called you at 1 or 2am tonight, that would mean it's 1pm or 2pm Saturday where you are, right? I mean, if you actually agreed to this crazy idea. Write me back, I'm here. Sarah
You sure you really wanna do that? Cuz if you do, then I'm OK with it. -F.B.
I'm sure, why wouldn't I be sure? I eventually wanted to talk to you anyway, but I was hoping it would be closer to our birthdays. But everything is so crazy, and I feel like I need to talk to you, actually talk to you, and know this is real, and know that we're not crazy, lol. That we're in this together. I'm okay with it. I am. I trust you, I hope you trust me. Okay my cell phone number is: Now that's my local number. I don't know if there's any code you need to use in front of that... not sure. I've never ever called outside the country. -Sarah
Here's my cellphone no.: 1 to 2 pm would be OK. Tell me when you're calling. -F.B.
Do you know which is your city code? I found out the country code is 63. But I need to find out your city code.... -Sarah

Gosh! I'm not sure, I'll have to ask someone about that. I'll tell you once I find out. Trust me. Anyway, I need to go. Good night, Sarah. Love you. F.B.

Hey Love... sorry I made you stay up so late, I feel bad about that. I'm sitting here, this awful feeling in my stomach, and feeling like I want to cry. How did things get so serious? I hope we can get those city, and country codes all worked out. Maybe you're aunt visiting from the USA- would know something about calling to the Philippines, and even calling to the USA. I want to talk to you. I feel like I need to talk to you. I need to hear your voice, I need to know this is real, that we really are in this together. Email buddy? lol... so that's what you told your parents? Gosh F... I feel like we've gotten ourselves into more than we bargained for. Think about it. Is this actually going to work? Are we going to try to make it work? I want to. But at the same time, I feel like we are going to have to overcome, alot of difficulties in this relationship- if we really are going to make it work. (We can't even figure out how to call each other... LOL.) Eventually down the line, who knows when- we'll probably meet each other. Then we'll definitely know whether or not this is what we want. If we really want to be with each other for the long run.

But then there are our families. I'm not that close to my mom either, lol. I mean I tell her more than my dad. But when I think about telling her about us, about you. I start hearing all the negative things in my mind. Things like this, "You better be careful- you could meet a molester online! People have been murdered by people they met online! You don't even know him! You haven't even met him!" Typical stereotyping. This is what I fear I face from alot of people in my family in the future. Maybe I'm over reacting though, I don't really know.

These are just some of the fears, and thoughts I have deep down inside about us. About what we face in the future. I love you so much, I mean that. I don't want to lose you. And I know no matter what happens- that if we love each other and want to be with each other then things will happen, they will work out... but gosh... why is life so hard mahal ko? I wish I could talk with you. I wish you were here right now. I miss you, I love you. I'll talk to you online tomorrow. I love you, Sarah

WOW! I wish I could cheer you up. But if that's the way you feel, then I'm with you. Don't let other peoples' comments get you down though, they're just that- comments. Every one's got their own view of things. Kinda like around here at the forum. Anyway, feel free to scream away all your frustrations at me.....I'll listen. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I love you. F.B.

Yea! I figured it out! I know how to call you now, LOL! YOU HAVE THE CITY CODE IN YOUR NUMBER ALREADY! LOL! -Sarah

Hi Sarah! I'm kinda nervous about this. LoL! But Saturday sounds good. -F.B.

I'm nervous too. Do know by then it will have been a whole month since we said, 'I love you.' Why does it feel like I've lived alot more in this month, then I have in the past few years.... lol. Do you feel like that? -Sarah

I'm sure to be nervous, talking to someone I like so much. I just know I'm gonna sound like a dork on the phone.....Oh well, at least I've warned you. LoL! And yes- "I do" feel like that. As for sad e-mails, you know you can always lay it down on me. I'm always around to listen. Mahal kita, Sarah. -F.B.
That morning I tried calling him, but I couldn't get it to work. The country code thing was confusing and I kept getting error messages. I was sitting at the computer getting ready to email him, when my phone rang. I picked it up and it was him! (Months later he admitted he called me accidentally, he was waiting up for my call and playing around with his phone and accidentally dialed my number, it starting ringing so he stayed on the phone.)

It was so weird hearing each other's voices for the first time. I can't explain it. I felt so nervous and I could tell he was nervous too. He was so quiet! The entire call was maybe 5 minutes long, but it felt more like 30 minutes. Afterwards, I got off the phone and cried. I just felt so silly, because we didn't have much to say to each other, yet we always wrote such long emails. And it was just weird talking to someone you've known for so many months... someone you've said, "I love you too." yet have never heard their voice. Talking on the phone became easier over time, but the first time we ever talked on the phone was just awkward!

Hi Sarah! HOLY CRAP! I actually called you. After the call, I was thinking- "Did I just do what I think I did?". OMG! I can't believe it. It's my first time to call a girl like that. I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to punch myself. LoL! Though, it was really nice to hear your voice and to hear you laugh. -F.B.

Hi Sarah! I remember the time I called you. I was thinking to myself- "You dork! You should've said this, you should've said that". LoL! After that, I checked how much I had left on my phone and YIKES!.....never mind. LoL! Anyway, I can't help but smile when I heard your voice and that British accent you did was pretty darn good. It's odd how I actually got to call you but my text message never pulled through. What the---? Take your time and get some rest. I'll just be here. Smile, Sarah. No worries. Good night. Have a nice weekend. Luv ya, F.B.

Another goodnight call, eh? I was actually thinking- "I wouldn't be surprised if Sarah called", but.....I was still surprised anyway. I just put my phone on the comp. table then all of a sudden it rang and I had the vibration thing on, you know how that is. LoL! Now who would call me at 2 in the morning, I wonder? Haha! You are too much. I can't get enough of you. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.

You called me again. LoL! I love hearing your voice. It puts a smile on my face. "I love you"- I love saying that to you on the phone and I love it when I hear you say it too. I was kinda surprised with the "I love you, I love you, I love you" thing you did on the phone though. LoL! I wasn't expecting that. You make me smile so much. I love you, I love you, I love you, F.B.
Around the end of April, I wrote my Mother a letter. I wanted to tell her about F.B. and I before things went any farther. I'm not so good at face-to-face confrontations, and I am better writing my thoughts down, rather than speaking them... so I wrote her a long letter about us. I was scared to death of what she was going to say. But I was completely right in thinking she would stereotype us. She wrote me a whole letter back, telling me all the things I didn't want to hear. That he could be a molester. That he was just telling me whatever I wanted to hear. That he just wanted a US citizenship. That I should hire an investigator, to check him out, and prove he was who he said he was. I felt sick. I had so many thoughts going on in my head. It was so complicated, what had I gotten myself into?! I didn't know what to do. I was so upset and confused, I decided maybe it would be better if F & I were just friends...maybe I was crazy. After crying in my bed for a few hours until I felt numb, I wrote him an email.

Okay, this is how I feel right now, I feel like things have gotten really intense- I mean I know they have, at least with my feelings. And at the moment things are not working in our favor. We have all the time in the world, and no need to rush into things, or make quick decisions that could ruin our lives. I don't know, I'm so confused. I've been confused for the past couple days, and I need a break from everything. That doesn't mean you have to stop writing me, I'd really cry then! haha. I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us. I'm feeling like, if I put my whole self into this- what if I just get burned? Because you are so far away from me. There are so many things that are going to get in our way. And I don't know if I can do that right now. Because I didn't like how I was feeling the other night- when I was laying there looking up at the ceiling. I don't know if I want to hurt like that again- and I feel like, if we keep things this intense, and then it doesn't work out- I don't know... I don't want to think about how I'm going to feel, or how long it's going to take me to get over you. So maybe we can step back a little and work on being friends more, and put less focus on the relationship part right now. I need that I think, I need to think about things clearly. I want to still email you, I will still mail your my letter, but I think you understand what I'm trying to ramble on about, lol. Write me later. -Sarah

Stepping back?.....If that's your decision, I respect that. I respect you. I don't want to force you into anything or rush things. Don't cry.....Oh, how I wish I could put a smile on your face. If you need a friend, I'll always be here. Take care, God bless. F.B.
I decided to vent to my friend Jimmy about the situation, things were so complicated and I needed to get my thoughts out.

Jimmy, Yes the Philippines are really far away... but you never know what could happen. And he is a nice guy, after two years, I didn't think I would find anyone that I would be interested in again. I didn't think I'd find someone that would actually listen to me, be goofy with my, or even read through the bible with me and have it be HIS idea.

Only, things have gotten worse, not with F. I talked to my mother about things, about us communicating through email, and letters. And she wrote this whole letter back, saying how he could be a molester, or how he could be saying anything to me, anything that I want to hear. How I should talk to Pastor about things. How if I want to meet someone, I should go to a Christian singles group. How I should hire an investigator, to prove he is really who he says he is.

I said, Mother," I have his picture, I have his letters, postmarked from the Philippines." She said," How do know that's really his picture?" She said, "How do you know he isn't trying to marry you or something just to come to this country. " I said, "I have his number let's call him, you can talk to him. " She says, "I don't want to talk to him."

I don't know what to do. This guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me in a long time. He actually has me reading my bible. We talk about things serious things, stupid things, goofy things. And maybe he is really far away, but you never know what could happen. I don't know how to prove to my parents, that he is who he says he is. I believe who he is. He's never once said something to me in the past 7 months that would make me doubt him. I cried so much last night, because I've gotten into this so deep, I feel like if I lose him, then I lose myself. I've had my heart broken before, I don't know if I could take that again. One of the happiest times in my life, has overnight become the worst. The only thing I can think to ever prove to them, he is who he is. Is to go ahead, and do this dumb Investigator thing. I know everything about him. So that wouldn't be a problem. My mom left me some Christian yellow pages, with some investigator place circled. I don't want to lose him, so if that's what it takes, then I guess that's what I have to do. Why is life so hard? Why does it seem like when I actually have something going for me, when I'm actually looking forward to something in my life- that everything falls apart on me? Maybe it's a test, I don't know- but I'd do whatever it takes to not have this relationship fall apart. Jimmy O, pray about this situation will you. God bless, Sarah

Hi Sarah! Ya know, your parents are just doing their job. You're their only daughter and they're just trying to protect you. They don't really know me and it's understandable that they would be worried. I understand that and I respect that. They love you and you know that. But when you think of it- all we've been doing is e-mailing each other and stuff, then I wrote you a letter. And that's about that. I offered my love and friendship, and you gave yours back to me. All the things I told you are true and I've never promised you anything, right? Don't let this mess up your life, I wouldn't forgive myself if it did. I can't answer all of your questions but.....just keep praying and God will show you the way. Life goes on and we'll just wait and see what the future holds. In any case, whatever happens- I love you and you'll always be in my heart. I'll be here listening. F.B.

Hi Sarah! The way I'm thinking is- if the relationship thing never works out for us, then I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all. We started out as friends(and we still are), so let's just continue that friendship and see where that takes us. It's like something you said in one of your pm's:

QUOTE : I just think, we need to step back and maybe work on this friendship thing a little more. And wait on all the relationship stuff- because we have time. We can wait and see where that takes us.

I'm there during fun times(the crazy posts, pm's, e-mails, our "dates"), but I'm also there during the bad times- that's what friends are for. I wouldn't like our friendship to be ruined because of this. That is something I'd like to keep. Did it not make our faith in God stronger? Did it not make us happy? I think it's definitely something worth keeping. Wouldn't you agree? I say "I love you" because I mean it. And we were still friends after all that time. Our friendship drew us closer together. And I wouldn't like that to change. Smile, Sarah. No worries, no regrets. You're always in my prayers. Take care, God bless. -F.B.

Hey F, You're right. I wouldn't want to lose you as a friend. And I'd rather have you as a friend, than not at all. Our friendship is always going to outlast anything we come up against. And right now at this point in our lives, and the fact we are so far away- I think it is best for us to stay friends. You do make me happy. Being friends with you makes me happy. Reading through the bible with you makes me happy. And you're right, just because things aren't working relationship wise for us- doesn't mean we have to call everything else quits.

I'd like to keep doing this bible study with you. I read chapters 4-8 of Joshua today. So I guess tomorrow we can read 9-12. I like the fact- that I'm reading through everything- instead of just skipping around looking at different verses. I find myself, circling, and marking verses here and there. It nice to have a planned study- because when I'm on my own, I tend to slack. It's nice that I have you there to talk about these things with- and you know I'm here for you too. I'm gonna go, cuz I think I just about rambled myself out the other night. And I really have nothing left to say, you said it all. And I agree with you. You're in my prayers also. And you're right- no regrets. I'm blessed to have you in my life, thanks for being so understanding. Smile, take care. God bless, Sarah

Jimmy, I don't know, maybe it's not worth it. Is it worth it to mess up my life? For a relationship that's so far away- we may never even meet each other... like you said Jimmy- why not find someone closer, someone I can actually hang out with? Ack- and all these thoughts inside me are so confusing. I'm so confused.

Did I tell you I actually talked to him? It was so weird to hear each other's voices- but it was sooooooooo awkward. LOL. We couldn't think of much to say to each other. And I've been confused about things for the past two days, and ACK. What have I gotten myself into? I need to get away, I need to think. I need to step back. That's actually what I told him. I don't know... I need to step back, and think about things. It's been 7 long months... but maybe we've gone as far as we can go. Pray for me. I need some clarity in my head. Reading the bible is a very good thing though, and maybe even if we never are more than friends in that aspect- at least we are getting something good out of this. I don't think I'm going into work, I feel awful, and I need to think. Ack life is frustrating Jimmy! -Sarah

I didn't know how else I could prove to my parents, that F was honest and he really was who he said he was. I decided to contact the investigator, thinking that if that was the only way to prove things, then I would do it. Just to make my parents feel better, and accept our relationship. I emailed the investigator.

Hello Sarah, I would be happy to help you with your situation. That is the good news. The bad news is as follows. From my 29 years in the business I can tell you some cold hard facts. First, often-good people are not 100% honest. Second, this service is not inexpensive. We would require a minimum of $500.00 advance. Your total expense will probably run closer to $1,000.00 or more. Third, there is no way for me to determine the true heart of an individual. So, I can verify his data. Maybe we will catch him in a lie. We can gather information you currently do not have such as any criminal record. But in the final analysis, as you said, you are 21 years old. I could tell you of wonderful loving marriages that I have seen from Internet connections. More times though, they turn out like most relationships. I will hold you email on file. If you wish to pursue the matter, please call me. Thank you.

After reading that email, I didn't really know what to do. Even if the investigator proved F.B. was who he said he was. He could never prove what F.B.'s intentions were or what was in his heart. That would never satisfy my parents. After alot of thinking, I decided to take my own risk and make my own decision. I decided I did want to be with him and I did want to take this risk. I trusted him and he trusted me and that was all that mattered. All that mattered was that we loved eachother and that we were in this for the long run together. And it was our choice, no matter what other people's opinions would be. This was our life and our relationship. And if we were making a mistake, it would be our own.

Jimmy, I don't know what's going to happen in my relationship with F. I've decided I don't really care what happens or what people think anymore. Because I know him, he knows me. I love him, he loves me. That's all that matters. In this friendship/relationship. The fact, that we are reading through the bible together, and praying together, it's really quite awesome. He's switching majors in college, instead of Psychology, he's going to be taking Computer Sciences and might go for 3 more years to get his Bachelor’s degree... darn him- he'll be 28 or so by the time he graduates! ACK! I need patience, lol. I've also decided I'm going to go with this, and see where it takes us. I know he lives far away, but I can't explain it... God brought him into my life for a reason, and whether it was to help us grow closer to Him, or just to be friends or more. I dunno, but I'm happy. I really am. Take Care, Sarah

You're my best friend and I love you dearly. I feel like you understand me and I know you love me back despite all of my imperfections. It is hard sometimes cuz we really are never sure of what's gonna happen. But what I know for sure is that I love you and I'd want things to work out for us. I'd never wanna lose you. I love you, F.B.

"Risk everything, regret nothing." I heard that somewhere, something about "mad love".....I have no regrets how things have been with us. I'm glad I got to know you that you're in my life. And even though you're a million miles away, I feel like you're here with me. You're a part of me now. You're in my mind, in my heart.....always. And I thank God for giving me the gift that is you. I love you, Sarah.....no matter what. F.B.